Workshop #2 Critiques

Critique of “Isolation One” by Tommy Kelly

Tommy’s poem is about a person standing outside, observing the world, and dealing with some sort of internal conflict. The first thing I noticed that is really appealing is the alliteration in the first line: “cycle by like circus”. I like the simile, “my mind screams out like a slaughter house”. I also like the tone of the poem; it seems very real as if these are some one’s actual thoughts. This is shown through lines like, “the sun sags like a testicle in flames”, and, “It’s too fucking hot”. One thing that I might suggest is that the poem be made longer.

Critique of “Still the Same” by Nicki Seibert

Nicki’s poem is about someone who is waiting for someone else who never shows up. I like the way the poem seems to be like racing thoughts; different subjects seem to flow into each other:

Like breathing,

Dancing,

Each car taking its turn

The repetitions also help the reader to feel the speakers emotional/mental state. The repetition of “All the time/Still the same” and “No reply” help to connect the reader to the narrator’s cycling thoughts. I would suggest using more concrete details; for example, we know the speaker is around cars and light, but more specific details about the surroundings would help us to connect more with the reader.

Critique of “Blood In My Eyes” by Dennis Johnson

Dennis’s poem is about someone recalling being shot in an alley. The first thing I like is the use of quotes to bring the story alive—“Somebody call an ambulance”, “I’m with you”, and “We got him back”. I also like the way the story builds up to a climax and then seems to resolve; this does a good job of pulling the reader into the story. One suggestion is that the structure be revised because it is a bit confusing.

Critique of “Utopia” by Caitlin Cordial

Caitlin’s poem describes a perfect world that exists in her dreams. I like that there is a uniform structure to the poem; this goes well with the idea of perfection that is present in the poem. I also like that when the tone shifts at the end of the second stanza—“But with evil intentions I conspire”—the perfection also seems to go away: the last two lines don’t rhyme perfectly—-“end” and “again”. I think you should make the poem longer so that you can elaborate on the “evil intentions”.