Jim's review of Sam Weber/Clare McCauley/Jaclyn Quattrochi

Sam Weber

Nice vivid and descriptive visual statements; I can really see everything you are trying to say: work boots staring at me, a fly on a web…, I jump into my tin can and floor it, sounds of hard work echoing. I get the feeling that this is someone waking up late for work, doesn’t have time to eat breakfast, rushes off to work to arrive late, busts his ass working and is rushing home only to be slowed by other drivers. I’m not sure if I agree with some of the lines you chose, particularly: a slave spends less time working & a cancer patient has more luck than me & a fly on a web has more time to waste, though not nearly as much as the first two. I’m sure someone could easily be offended by either one of those lines. The other line just doesn’t make much sense. I would change it to either a fly on a wall… or a spider on a web; I think that would make a little more sense. It actually interrupted me and I stopped reading to figure that one out. Another suggestion I have is to let the sentences flow longer than one line. Right now it just sounds so short and choppy because most of them are sentence fragments. I have one last possible suggestion, since it’s the end of the poem and, in essence, potentially the end of the day, have the last line read, “finally, the day is done.”

Clare McCauley

Very strong, descriptive visuals, even if they were a bit creepy. All I could see the whole time was an up close view of extremely unclean feet with dirty chunks of skin falling off and bugs eating it. Though I’m guessing it’s more along the lines of mosquitoes biting your feet and ankles while you’re wearing sandals in late summer. I’m not sure where you’re approaching this from. Are you friend to the mosquito and allowing him to drink your blood? I’m also not sure about the last few lines after feast. Are you diabetic, is that why your blood would be too sweet, leaving it sugar rushed? Is the “dream of pumpkin patches on the way” a hint at the approach of the fall? It’s a little unclear to me; perhaps I’m not getting the similes.

Jaclyn Quattrochi

Overall, your poem had good flow and consistency throughout. You never left me guessing with deceptive metaphors or similes. Your metaphors gave vision and meaning to what you were saying. The first six lines seem a little forced. They don’t seem to flow as well as the rest of the poem. I’d suggest either shortening the first metaphor to, like a motorcycle passes you or take it out altogether. I really liked the lines, “those people, they fade from our minds, as the sun fades from the sky desk.” It’s especially touching for someone older. I think if you used punctuation more, it would help the reader to be able to read the poem the way you want it to be read. By using periods, commas and semicolons, it forces the reader to pause or stop when you want them to. Good job overall!

Jackies Review in group on mary, and out of group for jim and joann

Jaclyn Quattrochi

English 209

Writing workshop review

In group Review- Mary’s Poem Free

Mary’s poem is written in the view point of a bird in a meadow or forest in the early morning hours while it is still dark out. The poem gives feeling of content. It gives the feeling of being at home, and at peace. The poem is about being free as a bird within an environment where not everyone else has the freeness that a bird has but is unique in all their own ways.

I really enjoyed Mary’s poem after have reading it several times. The idea of it was well constructed and I really enjoyed the imagery within the context. I really enjoyed the repeated line “a meadowlark sings” I can picture the sound of a bird in the early morning singing while all else in silent. Not only does that line create good imagery but it also creates such a relaxing feeling for the reader. I also really enjoyed the line “there is so MUCH expectant hush in the valley” I enjoyed this line because anytime you picture a forest or a meadow people schemas are quietness or “hush” as Mary says. The only suggestions I have for Mary it to be a little more clear on the direction of the poem. I like the idea of free as a bird and I feel that in the middle of the poem the direction of the poem was lost, but then at the end brought back up again. I would suggest to focus more on the idea of the bird and imagery of the bird rather than the imagery of the forest scene. The poem went into more detail about other animals in a forest rather than focusing on the freedom of the bird which is where I felt Mary was trying to go with the poem. Overall it was a great poem and it was well constructed.

Out of group review Joann’s The Commons

The Commons by Joanne is a very interesting poem. It is about all the people that are completely oblivious to the pain and hardships that others go through every day or night. Joann did a great job of using imagery in this poem. Such as “the dim lamp post at each corner” or “yet the dark windows of those asleep, are still untouched”, it creates the mood of loneliness and silence. This is a great mood for where Joann is going with the poem. My only suggestions would be to give more detail on “Their screams”… I would have liked to know more, the poem left me wondering and pondering at what the screams are from, if they are even screams, or just people struggling within their own minds. I would have kept going with this poem to let the reader get a better idea of what these people are suppose to be hearing, whose screams and why. Overall it was a great poem and I enjoyed it very much. I really liked the imagery in the beginning.

Out of group review Jim’s America

Jim’s poem is a very powerful poem about all the things our government should do, but tends to neglect for its citizens. It is about the idea that most citizens have a lot of faith in their government and support their government until something happens to personally affect them and we finally realize that our government has a lot more flaws than we once thought. The poem confronts our government without trying to butter anything up. I really enjoyed Jim’s poem, it says what everyone feels and think every day but we are too lazy to take action. The only suggestion I would make to Jim would be to construct the poem a little differently to make it seem like a poem. To me it seemed like the poem was more of a letter to someone explaining their problems with the government, the flow seemed a little off to me. I would have shortened some lines to make the poem flow a little bit better. Over I loved the poem. It really made me want to get off my lazy ass and start to try and change the way our society handles things.

Joann Adamczyk's reveiw of Clare's Poem

Taking a Sit in the Park
By:Clare McCauley

I did like this poem and i enjoyed how you described the insects of late August picking at your skin while sitting in the park. I think the adjectives and imagery you used is very successful. i especially liked the line, "Perfect Pickings for late August insects. Eating me alive, devouring my ankles whole. Toes too. Spaces between sandal leather are declared an all you can eat buffet." The only thing i would change is adding more words per line to make each line more of a complete thought. But i overall did enjoy reading your poem.

Carr's Review of Sam's Poems 9/24

To: Sam
From : Carr
Re: “Done Yet” (?)
Same,
You’ve chosen a subject here – the drudgeries of our day to day existence, that is an excellent one for a poem. And you’ve attempted to use some comparisons along the way to make us see and feel your pain more: “fly on a web has more time to waste”, “a wagon has more luxuries”, “a slave spends less time working”, “a cancer patient has more luck.” It’s a good idea to use metaphors, so that’s a nice effort.
OK. That said, your poem will gain strength from being more specific. Right now you try to cover the whole day, but I suggest that you focus on one part of the day and write a poem about that. By making your focus smaller, you will be able to show the reader your world in more detail. You will be able to connect with us more.
A second thing to consider are the comparisons themselves. Right now those aren’t specific enough to make much impact, primarily because they are general, bordering on cliché. So when you look for images to use as metaphors, look to your own life, to things you think would be cool to describe or compare. In addition, watch for hyperbole in a piece like this. Saying that a “cancer patient” or “slave” have it better than you is ridiculous – and sounds more like whining than anything real. We all have it hard in life, so what do you want to say about that quality? There’s a good subject there for exploration, but you’ve got to move past the self pity for it to have resonance.
All right. Good luck with the revision here. Let me know if you have questions.

Carr's Review of Jaclyn's Poems 9/24

To: Jaclyn
From : Carr
Re: “Those People”
Jackie,
The incidental people we have all encountered in our lives –and the impact they may or may not have had on our lives – is an excellent subject for a poem. You are exploring here one of the mysteries of our existence: why do certain people seem to come along at certain times – often at just the right time? Perfect subject for poetry to answer – because there is no way to answer that using everyday language.
OK. So with that kind of a subject, one that we can all relate to, I think the best avenue to take to connect with more people is to become as specific as possible. This might seem contradictory, but it seems to hold true. So what I suggest is that you tell write about a specific person you have known that has had an impact on your life. This is probably a person that you mostly forget, but something triggers a memory every now and again. So think about what that trigger is and write about the experience. That would be great.
Along the way you can use some metaphors to help you show the reader what you are experiencing. Right now you’ve got an interesting one in the lines about being “buried deep in the ground/Like memories buried deep into our minds”. You might want to use that image as a starting place, like maybe you are digging a hole in the backyard, or standing next to a hole looking in. Look at the poetry of Mary Oliver to see how she uses her observations of nature to spur other connections.
Finally, I think you would do well to look at some format and syntax here. Notice that every line has a comma at the end. Why? If you read it out loud that way, I think you’ll find that some of the commas take away from the flow – and that sometimes you should use a period. Punctuating poetry is not much – if any – different than punctuating prose. You would never write a sentence in an essay like one of these in your poem with that many commas. See what I mean?
All right. So keep looking at this one. It’s got tons of possibilities. Let me know if you have questions.
Good luck.

Carr's Review of Rhiannon's Poems 9/17

To: Rhiannon
From: Mr. Kizzier
Re: “The Mystery of the Season”
Rhiannon,
There are some things working well here in your poem about the cycle of the seasons, “The Mystery of the Season.” You open with a nice, active image: “The brisk winter is breaking free.” I like how that gives action to winter – it has the potential to conjure up some powerful images. I also think the scene near the end of the poem of the boy and girl dancing and laughing works well, primarily because of the line, “Laughing so hard, barely breathing.” That’s nice. It evokes that breathlessness well.
OK. So there are some things to think about as well. First, I think the main the thing to concentrate on in revision is finding a focus for the poem. What do you want this poem to be about? You call it “The Mystery of the Season,” but I don’t see the mystery here. What exactly is mysterious?
One place you might start when looking for this answer is to make the poem more personal. It’s obvious from what you have presented that you have taken much care to create all these rhymes. The problem with that is that it has made your poem too general, I think. Many of these images seem to come from the collective image of the seasons we all share rather than your own personal experience. There is one line where you include yourself – “On my shivering back, the cold wind blew.” That’s interesting. To me it conjures up an image of a bare back in winter, which is powerful – and cold. But it doesn’t have much connection to the rest. Can you look for something you want to say about your own life – perhaps the way you have approached something or someone and how that changed over the course of a year. I think you would connect with the reader more by doing so. And I would seriously consider dropping the rhyme scheme – if only to open up more vocabulary for your use.
All right. Let me know if you have questions. Good luck.

Carr's Review of Kenneth's Poems 9/17

To: Kenneth
From: Mr. Kizzier
Re: “A Moment N Ur Eyes”
Kenneth,
Clearly this is a love poem, and there are some things to work with here. I think the strength of the emotion is apparent in the poem, which is good, and I think you’ve chosen a metaphor that can work well here – the watercolor. That has a bunch of potential and I urge you to continue to use that. There are also a few lines that stand out to me. One is the question, “Can U (sic) draw a perfect circle?” I think that might work well as a first line. Another is “I miss staring…” That evokes a very simple but true sentiment and action that I think works really nicely.
OK. So there are some things to work on here as you revise. First of all, I think you would do well to tighten the focus here – and the use of the imagery. The watercolor stands out, but it is very nearly lost here in the jumble of all that accompanies it. So choose one dominant metaphor (I like the watercolor) and use that to its full potential.
The second thing to look at are the number of unclear lines here. This is the kind of poem that might sound good at times – the rhythm and sound of the words – but that often doesn’t make a lot of sense. A few examples are “”I’m not here to dry after a mistake”; “Starring I …the enveloped naked…”; “U lay wet descriptions to the canvas perversely.” I don’t know what any of those mean, and there are a number of other lines like those. Slow down, Kenneth. I think you should strive to bring this poem in under a page. That would be a good exercise in concision for you.
Finally, I don’t think the text language is working here. It doesn’t make sense in the context of the poem, and it is too random to convey deeper meaning. So stick with conventional spelling for this one.
All right. Good luck with revision. Let me know if you have questions.

Carr's Review of Amber's Poems 9/17

To: Amber
From: Carr
Re: “Untitled”
Amber,
This untitled poem is intriguing. The opening of the poem is very still and quiet, very grounded, and it’s not until the very end that the solidity breaks and the subject “slides to the floor.” I think that can work well, especially if you can maintain the quiet tone you have created here. Good work on that
OK. So there are some things to think about. First, I think you would do well here to include more imagery, more comparison in the form of metaphor and simile. Using images that the reader can relate to will help us connect with this woman more deeply, to feel her pain. It might even be possible to include hints of the abuse that jumps out at the end of the second section: “Beaten, battered, and bruised.”
In addition, I think the one thing missing in terms of development is the turning point, the trigger that send the woman sliding to the floor. Right now she is primarily described as strong: “feet flat on the floor;” “strong woman.” But then at the end all it takes is the sound of him at the door to crumble her. I think I’d like to have a hint of that fragility before this point.
All right. Good luck with this one. It’s got potential for sure. Let me know if you have questions.

Carr's Review of Tracy's Poems 9/17

To: Tracy
From: Carr
Re: “Liquid Soul”
Tracy,
You’ve got this love poem here with a great title, “Liquid Soul.” The words melt in your mouth, and the sentiments here are strong and charged. You begin by warning us not to treat this subject lightly, not to slip into cliché, and then you try to show what this means to you: “That fullness of the heart/Forcing it to expand/The only material holding the viscera/Is the skin.” That’s cool, a very vivid image.
OK. So the main thing I would suggest for this poem is more specific imagery of that sort. Right now you often slip into the general, even cliché. For example, you say, “Who know it is nothing to be taken for granted” in the second stanza. Instead, search for actions you can describe, like “Who know you can’t treat it like the gum wrapper you throw in the gutter.” That’s not a particularly good image, but maybe you get my drift. Look for images and actions that you can start using as comparisons (ie metaphors) for the ideas that you want to get across.
One place you might want to look for an extended metaphor is the planet reference you use on p. 2: “Our planets have gravitated together.” That might be the opening you need to use planet language throughout. There is tons of language in astronomy that would serve you very well here – after all, many of the planets are nothing more than masses of hot gas, constantly exploding, etc. See what I mean? They are more liquid than we normally think about, like liquid soul.
All right. So keep working on the language here. That’s where the poetry starts to unfold. Good luck and see me with questions.

Joann's Review of Jackie's and Sam's Poem

Those People By: Jackie Quattrochi
This poem, “Those People” I really enjoy a lot. While reading your poem I found myself thinking about someone whom I may have seen on the street and recognized them as well as my old friends from middle/ high school. I think you did a great job with your language and imagery. For example, my favorite line is “Those people, they fade from our minds, as the sun fades from the sky at dusk…” I find that particular line to be the most strong and compelling. The only thing I would change is maybe separating each thought into stanza s or paragraphs before you re-say the line “Those People.” I really think you did a great job with this poem and I enjoyed reading it.



The Day is Not Done By: Sam Weber
While reading this poem, I felt like I was with you on your way to work, your work day and your true feelings. I liked how you described how you felt waking up. The language you used about how much you want the day to be done and how much you despise what you do is also very strong. Lastly, the only thing I would change is the line, “Dumb ass driver tests my reaction time”, I would add a different adjective for the driver that cut you off and made you angry on your way home. But I did like how short and to the point it was, and I find it to be very descriptive too.

Jackies Reflections for sam and clare

Clare’s Poem

I really enjoyed the idea of Clare’s poem. Everyone knows what it is like to be eaten alive by bugs in late august and everyone hates it. Clare did a good job of making the readers look at bugs in a more humane way. She did this by using lines such as “All you can eat buffet” or “Skin salad junkies”. Clare did a great job of making the reader almost feel sorry for these insects that feed off of our skin all summer long by using lines like “Your poor”, “You’re hungry”. The only suggestions I have is to put the “I will” lines either at the beginning or end of the poem. It seemed to me that those lines through off the poems rhythm but those lines definitely fit into the poem; I’m just not so sure they fit in at that point.

Sam’s poem

I loved Sam’s poem because it makes me feel like I’m not the only one working my ass off all the time. I really liked how he picked “The day is not done” to use repetition with. I also really liked the lines sam used to compare his day with other people or things such as “A fly on a web has more time to waste” “A wagon has more luxuries” “ A slave spends less time working” and “A cancer patient has more luck than me”. My only suggestions would to add in more about his work day to get a better idea of what work is being done and to add a different ending to make it seem like his day is done but it will start all over again tomorrow

Tracy's Review of Amber's and Kenny's poems

Amber’s Poem, ‘Sitting in Stillness’, is about an abused woman waiting for her husband to come home. Most of the poem was dramatic and sad. There were a few things I did not understand and thought either they should be expanded upon. The basis of the poem, the innate emotion was conveyed but it seemed like it could have been fleshed out more. I understand that sometimes a poem does not need to be long to be good, and this one has the potential to be one of those. If she was strong and amused, why and how does she break? Who is the boy and why does he whisper something ‘unintelligent’? A better word may have been: dense, brainless, foolish, moronic, witless, imbecilic, simple, or inane. I was just more disappointed that it was so short and that it seems as though Amber was hesitant to put in a few lines that she had or wanted to. It’s as though she had so much more she wanted to add.

Kenny’s poem, ’A Moment N Ur Eyes’, was about love. It flowed like song lyrics. I liked the repetitive verse. I liked some of the imagery it evoked. I had a particularly difficult time reading Kenny’s poem because of the text message spelling and it would have flowed better for me if that wasn’t an issue. Some of the lines I had a difficult time comprehending. I liked the line, ‘I don’t care if it’s an ancient myth or popular folklore’. I do not understand this line, ‘Glancing & re-glancing just 2 keep wet N ur eyes’.

Mary's Review of Sam's Poem

The language and descriptions of this poem spark provide specific descriptions of an intense depression and are identical to what a mood of this sort would feel like. There is no question that this reader would not find this particular day pleasurable at all-quite the contrary! Imagery and contrasts used herein leave little to the imagination-certainly, most readers have been through occasions similar. There is a sort of humorous jest in Sam telling his readers, I wake to the false hopes of breakfast...The stench increases my appetite...-clever satire. The flow is consistent and suggests a mobility that keeps the reader involved. The day is not done candace connects one activity to the next, keeping the pulse constant. Clearly the subject is employed in construction by use of Work boots, ...site, empty rooms, ...and Twelve hours of blood and sweat.

The conclusive use of ...a cancer patient has more luck than me... reeks of hoplessness and helplessness-total loss of ability to remove or be removed from the grim lot in life. This reader finds the depressing undertones a bit more overdone than need be.

Reviews for Poems for Week #1

Review for Amber Schleicher’s poem “Sitting in Stillness”:
Amber’s poem seems to be about a woman anxiously waiting for her husband to come home. It seemed to me that the female in the poem is in fact, abused. The idea is portrayed pretty well although some things are unclear. I think an area to consider revising would be the line:
She’s a strong womanBeaten, battered, and bruised
I think that the contradiction there is a little confusing.

Review for Tracy Madrid’s poem, “Liquid Soul”:
Tracy’s poem was captivating. Each stanza transitioned nicely to the next and it was an interesting read. I think it represented the subject of love well. I think an area to consider revising is the last stanza, first two lines. I don’t think it sounds as blended together as the other lines. I think it could be written a little differently to make it flow a little better.

Review for Kenneth Seiver’s poem, “A Moment N Ur Eyes”:
Kenneth’s poem was a little difficult to follow. The fact that it seems to be written like a text message is a little annoying but it’s an interesting view. It reads like song lyrics. I think what makes it seem that way is the repeating stanza throughout the poem. That would be what I could consider revising.

Mary's Review of Jaclyn's Poem

The imagery of this poem produces a powerful effect of reminiscent memories through the course of time. So true, how do we know how much a person will influence our lives when even when we cross just one time. The third and fifth lines describe the brevity of the experience quite clearly. In contrast, the experience may have been of more duration but those individuals have been out of our lives for a length. I liked the fifth line, ...Like a flash from a photograph...and consider this a unique and colorful way of referring to the lingering but brief encounters that mean so much in our lives today. I thought of this as lovely and thought-provoking, invoking a sense of imperativeness-pay attention to every minute of every day, always; one never knows when such an encounter may change one's entire perspective. The nineteenth line, We tend to take for granted, is a bit of a cliche. This reader would have preferred a more original way of stating the same idea. In this way the the poem may sound more integrated and provide a lovely enhancement of what is already written so beautifully

Kenneth's Critique of Amber's Poem

The brevity of this poem facilitates the reader’s interest. It has a unique shape that the contours of the collective stanza make a vase shape. Poems like these are incredible in the sense that they are visually appealing. With that said, I cannot find the subject of the poem to be clear to me. It has a feel of domestic violence, insecurity, and unhappiness. The tone of this poem is set, but it is not fully communicated in the length of the poem. To make this poem clearer, I suggest that more of the boy, the man that enters later and the reason the woman is waiting be expounded upon.

Kenneth's Critique of Jaclyn's Poem

Those People by Jaclyn Quatttrochi
“Those People” are about noticing the people that exist but you do not know. That point was captured perfectly with all of the examples written like the people who ride past you on their motorcycles. This poem has to be restructured to make linear the ideas that it provokes and the examples it uses as proof. The end of the poem is much unfinished and it goes off a cliff and it is just in midair. Perhaps the whole poem can be reevaluated to give it direction just to finish it—if only to finish the poem. I really was inspired by the pointing to subtleties. She shows how to take nothing for granted and perpetuated thought well. This is one of the strengths that I found to stand out and I hope she continues in the way of social poems.
Some ideas for finishing the poem are to relate one or all of “those people” to someone personally in her life. I think that a “real” touch would put a self-emphasis on the poem. Another strong point would be to “bottom-line” it as to give the poem visual finish that easily is seen by the reader.

Kenneth's Critique of Claire's Poem

Taking a Sit in the Park by Clare McCauley
“Taking a Sit in the Park,” by Clare McCauley is about a person who has a monologue about being bitten by a mosquito. That was quite awesome—a monologue about a mosquito. It has an affectionate tone to it; if not affection, then sarcasm. I would definitely keep that a direction in this poem. She suggests that the last two lines be changed. I agree and perhaps this would be her fancy: “stealth upon trees of skin” and “unseen, retreating into the various forests of men.”

Kenneth's Critique of Sam's Poem

Untitled by Sam Weber
I get that this poem is about a person who wakes up to go to a construction site. There are long days of labor and it strikes me that this is an exposition of a day in the life of one mediocre day. Outside of that, things in this poem are unclear: What stench agitates you? What is “Yy tin can…?” I would replace the chorus of “The day is not done” because it is not within enforcing context of many things to do or even though things are done, “The day is not done.” To help with this, he should find one idea and draw parallelism throughout the poem. For instance:
I wake to the false hopes of breakfast
From dreams, the appetite finds fast [like fasting—no eating]
The work boots stare at me.
Waiting for my feet to fill them,
The work boots stare at me
Empty boots, empty stomach
Thus, the day begins
I would take out “a fly has more time to waste” because it doesn’t fit.

Kenneth's Critique of Rhiannon's Poem

Critique de The Mystery of the Season by Rhiannon Feehly
The Mystery of the Season is an allusion to the changes in weather in correlation to changes in human behavior. It features a four seasonal set-up that inspires familiarity expressed in everyday happenings. It also provokes learning that is expressed with a simplistic style of couplets that packs eloquence. They together string the reader along the narration that is the Mystery of the Season: unexplained human action that parallels well-defined natural occurrences. I believe that this poem offers true insight and has provided me with hindsight of a past conversation about women and men mating in accordance with seasonal prudence.

Kenneth's Critique of Traci's Poem

Critique de Liquid Soul by Traci Madrid
Liquid Soul, by Traci Madrid, provides a digression into and away from its subject. What the subject is—is beautifully hidden, circumvented, somewhat explained, but never announced. Perhaps that was the point—to miss the obvious. If so, even that moral truly needs it purpose to be understood, before it evolves into a beautifully layered cake with icing. The cherry on top happens to be Madrid’s harmony in the poem: “We are coin; two sides of the same thing…” This is what makes her poem a delight; it is exposition.

review of tracy, amber, rhiannon, and kenneth

Tracy Madrid

Liquid Soul

Tracy begins writing her opinions on how love should be expressed and cherished, moving on to dense visual descriptions of the intensity of how love feels, and finishes with personal touches (“we are love”) as a nod to her own experience. Most of the poem is descriptive, but I think the strongest part is in the end where we see how love has influenced Tracy and she shares personal experience with us. In revision I’d consider “We are coin; two sides of the same thing;/ We are balanced; we are heaven and hell;/Light and dark; black and white;” This meter isn’t echoed elsewhere in the poem. Tracy writes her own wonderful descriptions “the only material holding the viscera/is the skin” and if the repetition is desired, consider using her own words rather than ready-made descriptions of love.

Amber Schiecher

She sits in stillness

I believe we are watching a woman who is considering leaving her husband, he is definitely coming home late, and this is a difficult time. I like the formatting of the poem, it reads easily and has an effortless rhythm, short lines compliment longer ones, the visual form of it is pleasing as well. Using the line “beaten, battered, and bruised” to show how she is a strong woman is effective. Concluding with “and breaks” doesn’t contradict this to me, rather, we feel compassion for this woman. I can envision my mother or a friend or myself in this situation. My only question leaving the poem regards the boy – is this her son? Their son? Why is what he said “unintelligent”? Is he scared for his mother? Does he understand what is going on? … anything to indicate where he is in all this, or consider if he needs to be mentioned at all?

Rhiannon Feehly

The Mystery of the Season

A nice sum up of the changing of the seasons in rhyming couplets. I think it’s cute, but if you are going to use this tactic then the lines should have consistent rhythm. I had to read through it a few times, each time changing the accent in a line or two before I felt I was reading like it was meant to be, and a reader not reading this for class may not have that patience for an author. It seemed like more than a few couplets had an extra syllable in their lines which jarred the tempo, and could be solved with taking out inessential words (and,the for example) Balance in each couplet would make this piece more readable.

Kenneth Seivers

A Moment N Ur Eyes

I grasp that this is basically a love poem. I find the U, R, 2 etc distracting to the point that I cannot listen to the words and take in the intent. I also found that individual lines rarely relate to the lines preceding and following, making it like jumping from paragraph to paragraph with no transition in the text. I enjoyed that he included what I will call a “chorus”… the few lines that appeared together more than once, and with repetition I felt they accrued significance. My favorite line(s) were the final lines, I can’t tell if they relate to the context of the piece, but are a strong string of words.

Mary's Review of Tracy's Poem

The title and subject Liquid Soul is wonderful. Rather than using the cliche Love, Tracy uses a metaphor to describe the intimacy of maleness/femaleness, united. The subject is beautiful and realistic. As this poem begins ...this word is used all to often rendering it meaningless and insignificant...speaks to the overuse of the word Love. In the second stanza ...it is nothing to be taken for granted...builds upon the meaning of the first stanza. The third stanza describes there is a spiritual realm included within-...a connection transcending the physical plain...The fourth stanza exemplifies further the dimension of concreteness, ...fullness of the heart... A lovely, flowing collection of images bring this reader to a place of priceless serenity. This solace is described in detail ...what humankind restlessly seeks...,suggesting that such is rare and difficult to find and to keep. The technique of compare/contrast used in the eighth stanza further intensifies the subject of Yin and Yang. This reader would have concluded with the eleventh stanza, using that as the ninth and final stanza. This is because the poem moves from we to I in an clumsy way and this reader thinks the ninth and tenth stanzas take away from the overall beauty of the Oneness theme and are not necessary. What a wonderful theme!

Mary's Rwview of Amber's Poem

This reader's first impression was visual. The outlined shape of this poem draws this reader to it right away, attracting my attention to the poetry. Visually the layout resembles the embodiment of a woman's figure. When ...the boy whispers something unintelligent...the sense is that clearly (the She) description of ...the boy...is of a child, most likely her child. It feels this way because the boy whispers something of an unintelligent nature, possibly because of his exposure to the violence, which appears to this reader what this poem is about: Violence this woman has in her life. At the risk of intellectualizing, this reader would add that battery of the mother is battery of the child, and this child in this particular work has seen abuse and, therefore, has been abused and his own growth impaired. The fact that ...she slides to the floor and breaks when he comes to the door...is indicative of the woman's fragility: Her state of being being vunerable, physical and mental. The female subject of this poem experiences ultimate helplessness and loss of control within her own strength. The poem is short, but is effective in this particular piece because of its nature and the visibility of the layout which I believe resembles a woman: Clever.

Mary's Review of Rhiannon's Poem

This reader likes the rhyme and rhythm in this piece The Mystery of the Season. The poem unfolds slowly, reminiscent of the kind of weather we are having now in Maryland: ...the day grows shorter and night extends. There is a hint of dark, coldness and Death (as do daisies die

annually). The predicated sense that someday soon will come the bright, hot sun encourages hope. Reference to garden gnomes is indeed applicable: in the garden, where gnomes are most carefully placed. Rhiannon's poem captures the feeling of Fall: ...the final leaves fall from the trees and this reader would like this thought expanded upon rather than moving directly into the

Spring. The season evokes wonderful memories of growing up. The words innocently get the job done. The language is simple and direct. Having no difficult vocabulary words and the easily flowing prose are a great start for the beginning poet. The content places this reader in a valley of youthful memories and happy naivete.

Mary's Review of Kenneth's Poem

The no-rhyming quality of this work is appealing. The phrases which contain like a 69 tour the Vietnam

War reference discomfort. The war theme is consistently repeated. These themes hint that passion may be

associated with violence. Intense passion often is. Reference to the wrinkles...the corners of my face breaking

the portrait.. is descriptive and sensational. Opening lines we've all heard what sticks and stones can and

cannot do...and...No pain,no gain and it's the same for taboo describe inner turmoil of the I of whom the

is referring, his subject again suggest pain. I am the prisoner of UR kaleidoscope...caught in chosshairs...

UR stare...jails...imply pain/discomfort as well. The U and 2 , etc., are distracting. This reader would have

preferred a the flowing written words, you and two. Reading this poem requires more thought and

consideration than most poems - which may not appeal to the general public.

Joann Adamczyk's review of Rhiannon, Amber,Tracy and Kenny's Poem.

In Group Review

The Mystery of the Season by: Rhiannon Feehly

The main subject of this poem is the changing of the seasons, which includes the feelings, actions, and metaphors that go with each season. This poem also rhymes, which in my opinion makes it stronger and creative in many different ways. Making each line rhyme with the next makes the seasons and the feelings you describe more meaningful and original. I think the strongest line is “Frozen ground where daises once grew- on my shivering back, the cold wind blew.” It rhymes very well and it is quite descriptive. The only thing I would change is more than one line per stanza. Also, the one line I might change is “As the day grows shorter and night extends- The flowers die and the soil mends.” I say this because “the soil mends” could of rhymed better with extends. I enjoyed your prom overall and I do like it a lot, it describes the seasons very well, it paints a picture of what each season is really like, and the feelings they can invoke.

Out of Group Reviews

Sitting In Stillness by: Amber Schleicher

This poem I find to be very strong, compelling, and deep. This poem makes me feel what the girl feels when she is around men and what she has been through in her life. The line “Amused, she finally hears him at the door” tells me she wants to be with the man whom she is waiting for but when she “slides to the floor, and breaks”, makes me think in my mind that she can’t handle being with a man even though she is strong, she is still “beaten, battered, and bruised.”

Liquid Soul by: Tracy Madrid

While reading this poem especially throughout the beginning, I find it to be very anticipating with what you are talking about and the “word used all too often.” At first, I’m not sure what the ongoing theme is but the line “We are love; we are the missing pieces of each other” makes this poem in my opinion much stronger, I also feel it is your best line. Lastly, I really do like how you described what love can do and the potential impact it can have. For example the line, “A pleasure- pain of sensation, that fullness of the heart”, makes this poem brilliant and very meaningful.

A moment in Ur Eyes by: Kenneth Seivers

This poem, “A moment in N UR Eyes”, I find to be more of a prose which has a better fit for the subject. When I read each line I imagine what your feelings are like when someone you are attracted to is staring back at you. For example the lines, “While you color me blue, inside I’m all red, hey come sit beside me- In the portrait N Ur head.” The imagery and language you use makes me think this is somewhat of a romance. I think your best line is “Moonlight flickers on the river of tears”, and the only thing I would change is for you to spell out all your words out to make it more readable to an older audience. I generally do like the theme and subject of your poem and I think it’s generally pretty well written.