workshop poem

Caitlin Cordial

                                                                Utopia

This world is my creation. I give it depth.
Sunshine and happiness is all I see.
I close my eyes with my waking breath,
and wish it was all that could be.

In this world I have power. In this world I have fame.
All I worry about is what I desire.
It is ultimate life. It is the ultimate game.
But with evil intentions I conspire.

For when I wake my journey does end,
and my boring life begins again.

Dennis Johnson

                

  Critique of poem entitled Midnight by Houlden

After reading a poetry work, one of the first things I like to consider is how the poem made me feel. This technique allows honest emotional ties to the piece, in a subjective manner that leaves no room for dispute. It also an open-ended interpretation that permits me to continue in a discourse, be it favorable or unfavorable to the author. When I completed the poem Midnight, and immediately took notice to how I felt, I had problems attaching an emotion. I wouldn’t say that is a bad thing or a good thing. I would say it just is, so I read it again. This time I felt the same lack of an emotional pull as the last time. I wondered why? I like the poem as an overall feel, and I thought it worked in concept, format and structure.  It built up suspense for me. The kind where you read a little faster, just because you want to find out what happens next. That is a very good sign! So maybe it was the content that robbed me identifying an emotion. After a more careful examination, I concluded that was partially true. The language and tone was not complicated and it did build like I stated before. It was written in one of the first person narrative that actually narrates the scene. It did a decent job of description, in various areas. But the reason why I could identify any emotion, finally hit me like a Zuckelberg epiphany to steal: I felt no emotion because it was written without emotion. I think the author did a wonderful in every other aspect and writing a piece that does not grip the edge of emotion may have been an intentional method to convey that vague abstract voice or diction that the piece was portraying. Or it could have been an afterthought that was really worth considering in the first place. Either way I think to add some feeling would it the justice it properly deserves. I did add some notes after listening to the class discussion. I was wrong about the no emotion, it was really the tone you intended to achieve.

Holden,

This poem is about a person questioning their religion. I love the creativity in this poem. The first stanza was really interesting to me, it was the only one to rhyme which really stood out to me. The last line “the night you’ll try to keep” made me think of the prayer my mom taught me to say if I was little…” Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep”. So it is definitely relatable as well. I almost felt as if it was religious, but you were questioning it in line five “When you look for and ask for the one you call your father”. To me it did not seem like you were actually talking about your father and with the way you said it seemed as though you were unsure of it. I like that because we can see something about you that we wouldn’t get to outside of the poem. The structure is also great, the way the stanzas are separated make it seem like it is a story. I love your diction also, you repeat “Will” constantly which is great because it adds certainty to your poem…I would consider taking out the words “try” it takes away from the poem in my opinion.

The confidence in the last line is awesome!

-Meghan

Workshop for Taj

Taj,

This is a poem about writer's block and what the writer wrote about previously. I really like how your poem lets us see what you are thinking. It’s almost as if you’re reminiscing. I like line four, when you use the word “Sketching” instead of saying something like “looking back on” or “remembering” you say “Sketching”. It makes me imagine a story or a piece of artwork. That wasn’t the only word choice that I found interesting either, your diction is very strong through the poem and it makes your words more meaningful. For example, “My opus lay stillborn, nebulous within the ether”; it shows your uncertainty but it was not plain. It added to the whole piece. I would add to the poem, maybe a specific event…something from the past that makes you feel this way. You had to pull from the past to write this, so dig a little deeper. It would make the poem a lot more authentic!

All in all, I think it is a great piece! (:

-Meghan

Nicki's Critique of Holden's Poem

I took this poem very literally, so to me, Holden’s poem is about a child who doesn’t want to go to sleep, because if he or she does, they’re afraid someone won’t be there to wake them up. They trust that someone will be there to wake them, even though they fall asleep with no one there.

Personally, I found this poem to be a little confusing the first few times I read it, but I liked it overall. I liked the kind of story arc with the poem; he started at the beginning of the evening, and progressed until the character fell asleep. I think he could’ve set the scene a little better, where exactly is the character? I was confused by the line; “You will not take cover onto yourself, because you think that cannot happen”, I think that it could’ve been defined a bit better. I like that the poem ended on kind of a cliffhanger, you don’t know if the person is going to be woken up by someone else, or wake up at all. I think Holden could’ve elaborated a little more on why there was no one home, it’s mentioned that the character thinks that there’s someone there, but there’s not, so that kind of leads into this other thought that maybe the character only wishes that someone will be there to wake them up. Perhaps they’re living on their own now and miss the feeling of having their father wake them up, and they’re afraid that without someone there, they won’t wake up at all. I hope that this makes sense! Good job!

Critique of Taji's Poem "Museless"

Taji’s poem is about writers’ block. It’s short, sweet, and to the point.

I like how you reflects on how the inspiration used to come to you. The poem is very well written. I like that you weren’t afraid to use words like “opus” and “nebulous”, though if the reader didn’t really understand what the words meant, he or she wouldn’t really understand the last sentence of the poem. What is the nine? I think you could write a bit more about the “tales” you used to write, or what your major inspiration was. I think you could’ve added a little more imagery, but overall the poem is very well done!

Mia's Critique of Holden's Poem.

I like how this poem tells a story in a sense and I can almost put in a vision what is going on. I especially like the first stanza and how you say that it’ll be one night that we all have to sleep and close our eyes not even peeping, because I got the feeling that our days are something that we cannot hold onto no matter how hard we try, it’s something that goes on whether we like it or not. I also like how the times that are said in the poem gives the story sort of a chronological feelings with everything that is going on in this poem, so I thought that was a good touch. I also feel like there is this way bigger meaning behind this poem that I am trying to crack, but as many times that I may read it I can never fully grasp what it is, which I think is pretty cool because every time I read it its keeping me on my toes trying to figure out what it is. I could imagine a kid looking for their father or even take into the perspective of you talking about God. Or maybe I’m just trying to be too literal about it. Either way I like the idea. Although the poem has a few concrete images like shutting your eyes without even a peep or it turning midnight and your eyes are really getting heavy, that the poem overall seems a bit abstract to me. Especially in the third stanza, in the second line “How could you not wake up if you fall asleep? Surely the job is his” I was thrown off a little bit, I wasn’t really understanding exactly where that line came from. I think that a little more detail, concrete, would make the poem a little better. I also think that by keeping the poem in one person, first or second, would make it more consistant because it gets a bit confusing in the beginning.

Mia's Critique of Taj's poem

First, I like that you paint a scene in the beginning of the poem in the first when you’re sitting in the chair and hands are still. I also like how the title of the poem “Museless” is defined in the first stanza. It’s basically straightforward opposed to being so abstract, which I think is a good thing. Another thing that I liked was in the last line of the poem when you say “My opus lays stillborn, nebulous in the ether” I thought it was a good description and a nice way to end the poem because it also gives the reader a sense of you actually being museless. I think that the third line of the poem “Where in days past words would flow” would fit more into the last stanza opposed to the first because in the second stanza when you’ve already talked about sketching upon these muses, and you go into the third stanza when you talk about basically being museless I think that it will flow better into this stanza where days may actually pass and no words from a muse has spoken to you. I also thought that in the first two lines of the last stanza you could have been a little bit more descriptive and concrete; it just seems like going from the first two stanzas into the third one it went from concrete details to very abstract. it would have been nice to actually know what kind of muse you were sketching upon and what suddenly made you museless afterwards, so a little more detail I think would have took this poem to the next level.

Critique of Holdon’s poem Midnight

Critique of Holdon’s poem Midnight
This was a poem about religious controversy.
I really like the way the poem moves, it seems very fluid.
It is a piece that makes you think, and takes you from one point all around and then back to the same point. It has a start and a finish.
Something I would have liked to see is Holdon elaborate more on the times that represented the Apocalypse. Something else I would have liked to have seen is consistent tense (First person, second, etc.)

Carr's Review of Taj's poem 9/29

To: Taj
From: Carr

Re: “Museless”

Taj,

There are some things working well here in your poem, “Museless,” a poem about a phenomenon most writers are familiar with: the loss of inspiration. This is a good topic to explore because it isn’t only relevant to writers. All people experience a loss of motivation or direction at some point in their lives. These are the kind of situations that can make us doubt ourselves and fill us with fear. All good stuff for the writers to speak up on.

OK. The two things I like best right now are the title and the last stanza. The title has a great sound. It evokes in me a sense that there is another word I can’t quite place, a word I expect to be there instead of “Museless,” which is a nice effect for the content. And the last stanza is where your best writing is. There you talk about “the nine” muses, and you close with your best line: “nebulous within the ether.” That’s really nice.

So think about a few things for revision. First, the language of the poem needs some work. This doesn’t sound like you: “Upon this chair I sit.” That sounds like someone imitating a poet from the 18th century or something. Use your own voice. Authenticity is always more poetic than stilted language. I would also suggest really playing with the muses. I think you will find a nice frame for the poem if you exploit the individual names and use their characteristics to show some of your own life and inner workings.

All right. So keep working on this one. It has some potential. Good luck

CK

Carr's Review of Holden's poem 9/29

To: Holden
From: Carr

Re: “Midnight”

Holden,

There are some things working here in your poem, “Midnight.” This is a poem about a childhood fear: that if we fall asleep we might not ever wake up. This seems like a good subject/experience for a poem. Childhood fears and stories evoke memories in your audience and get approach some deep emotions and feelings. They are the stuff of the real human condition, so good choice.

OK. My favorite line of the poem is in the penultimate stanza: “No one is there. And there is no one around.” This simple line – and the repetition of “no one” – do a very nice job of showing the despair that can settle in late at night when we are afraid. I also like the way you close this with some dialogue. This is the first time that any dialogue has appeared, and it has the effect of taking us from the child’s head and into the present scene. It’s almost as if we can hear him talking in the dark room to himself. Good.

So think about a few things for revision. First, the language of the poem needs some work. This doesn’t sound like you: “the night you’ll try to keep.” That sounds like someone imitating a poet from the 19th century or something. Use your own voice. Authenticity is always more poetic than stilted language. And speaking of authenticity, the way to make connections with readers is paradoxically to tell a story about yourself. So I strongly suggest that you take this out of the second person and put it in first instead. If you can tell us a real story about one of your childhood experiences, then I think we’ll relate to it in a much stronger way.

All right. So keep working on this one. It has some potential. Good luck

CK

Critique of Zayd, Tajiddin’s Museless

Alana Roach Critique of Zayd, Tajiddin’s Museless

This is a poem about a writer who used to be full of inspiration, but has since lost any creative inspiration.
I love the diction used in this poem. Invocation, myriad, unreqruited, opus, nebulous, ether
I love how he paints such a picture with such few words, and really puts you in the 17th century.
I would have liked to have seen more words that the class would have had to look up.

Dennis Johnson

English 209

9\21/2011

                                                                                Critique of Dark Spots

The poem Dark Spots begins with a realistic, thought provoking, vivid, on the edge description of imagery that segues into the body that produces a subjective prose. It places the reader in a scene toward the middle-end which could have been placed at the beginning for more continuity.  My perverse will automatically attracts to the author and the deeper meaning in which she is trying convey. Her criteria established credibility at her own pace that was easy to follow but maintained its integrity.  The author released something deep within that was troubling, that the reader could easily connect to and actually relate to the troubling subjective material.  The pace was fast; and properly addressed! “I know that the mind is the enemy” is a clear example of the energy projected throughout the poem. It was felt, and it developed an attitude of remorse and depression.  The dreamy metaphors such as “I woke up the other night gasping for air” again represented strong structure. Throughout the entire the poem the reader delved in an array of emotions from remorse to adulation and was thafted back into the pains of reality. If forced to make a suggestion, I would conceive in the structure. Perhaps instead of the line “I love my existence” would have been more appreciated if it was delivered toward the beginning.

                    Dennis Johnson  Critique of the poem Best Friend by Megan

I really enjoyed the poem Best Friend as I thought it was a delightful, uplifting poem that left me with a sense of hope. The poems intention was honest and forthcoming and that projected an authentic appeal. Lines like “You taught me to forgive, to be free,” expressed the well examined emotions that were release in a very rheumatic tone. I also thought the author did a wonderful job with clarity and organization. The subject of the poem was about two best friends that apparently went their separate ways. It was filled with commitment, and promise for the future. The author kept the structure and maintained the same tone throughout. My only suggestion is to try to show examples instead of telling them. There was a lot of thought provoking lines that truly looked into the wide range of friendship and where it can take you. It left me feeling optiomistic.

Cold, Angry Winds

Warm days are swallowed by cold, endless nights.

Solitude over comes the seasons.

The leaves turn colorless,

Slowly changing from the bright, vibrant colors.

Soon, they will fall from the tree, leaving it bare,

Their limbs left naked, shivering, above the water.

The water stands still, lifeless now.

The kids are gone, the fish too.

It stands still and quiet,

Paralyzed by the angry wind.

The wind, cold and furious,

Tears through everything,

Leaving harsh scars and bright pink cheeks,

The children cry, they know.

Their cold, pink hands and wet bodies are forced inside;

Experiencing the cold, bitter snow.

Winter has come and it will not let go

Ameena's Workshop #1 Critiques

Critique of “Dark Spots” by Alana Roach

Alana’s poem, “Dark Spots”, is a description of the dark places that her mind wanders to at night. There are a few aspects that I especially like about her description. The first is line one of the poem, “My memories are like medieval torture devices sometimes.” What I like is the picture that is painted with her words as well as the instant understanding of how her memories affect her; I am able to empathize with her. I also like the quotes from the voices: “How about the time you stole from your mother,” “You’ll never be happy, you deserve to suffer,” etc. One suggestion is that you, along with the quotes, describe the situations that the voices are referencing; paint a bigger picture. I think that this would help bring the reader further in, helping them to feel more of a connection.

Critique of “Best Friend” by Meghan Harris

In Meghan’s poem, “Best Friend”, she describes the relationship that she and her best friend have and thanks her friend for their loyalty. I like the way Meghan’s poem seems to take a journey through the friendship: beginning with firsts—“first kiss”, “first fight”, “first break up”, “first goodbye”— traveling to now, and listing their experiences in between. It makes the reader feel as if they were there watching the friendship grow. Meghan lists the experiences that she has shared, but, too give the reader an even stronger connection, she could describe more how she feels about her friendship and the experiences that she and her friend have shared.

Seasons

They are Red, Yellow, Orange

Leaves falling,

Round pumpkin fields and a cool breeze across the porch,

Smell of clean air amidst football tailgates and hot dogs amidst the cocktails in red plastic cups.

Beau is dead ,

Over cast of a morning, long faces, it’s Thanksgiving time

Working a soup kitchen enveloped in hugs but wanting to be with him.

View from above the room, I am in a pool of tears.

Empty yet full of fear.

Bright sun cascading on my face outside.

Each ray a kiss from him,

A comforting caress.

Sitting in total shock in a friends kitchen.

Colored magnets streaming crossed the refrigerator

And as I pray , are you OK?

I look at the letters, they spell “Peace. I love you”

Mia's review of Alana's poem

I liked that I could relate to her poem, especially in lines 13-14 when you talk about traveling so far from the girl that you used to be because I came a long way from being this naïve little girl to the person I am today. So I thought that was very relatable. I also like that in the first line you gave a simile comparing your thoughts to medieval torture devices which illuminated the picture of your mind being your own enemy with the dark thoughts. I like how you also used a lot of imagery to connect the readers with your thoughts. However, I thought that youu could have elaborated a little towards the middle of the poem about the girl she was to give just a little more detail about who she really was. I think by doing that it connects with the reader more, but overall I loved the poem.

Mia's review of Meghan's poem

I like how she contrasts the good times of a best friend with the bad times because no friendship perfect, they all experience their highs and lows and I thought it the poem more realistic. For example in the first two stanzas of the poem she talks about the highs of the friendship like teaching her how to forgive and always listening. Then in the third stanza she talks about the fights and the pain. I really liked the fifth stanza when she says “We made a promise, one we both can keep; /To always remember each other and to never /Accept defeat. “ I thought that was pretty cool, and the way it had a rhyming scheme. I think that if she was using a connection between being a best friend and her boyfriend that she could have touched basis with it a little more by throwing a little specific details like she did in the first line about the first kiss.

And not to say that I didn’t like the first poem, but I think that the revised poem gives more elaborate details of what you were trying to convey in the first poem. I like the imagery. I also like how you related to the sinking of the Titanic to your heart, maybe because I love that movie. I had to watch it about a thousand times. One of my favorite lines in your poem was “My two favorite feelings; hurt and afraid” because of the irony there. There’s a story in your poem that’s easy to follow and flows. Like the first poem I like the reality of it this relationship, how everything that glitters is not gold, and anything that is perfect is not real.

Alana Roach's critique of Meghan Harris's poem

This is a rhythmic poem about friendship that has gone through growing together and then apart, but remaining close in spite of the distance.

I really like he gratitude, and love expressed in this poem through rhyme in the end, "Gratitude and thanks would never be enough, but thanks for being there for me whenever life gets tough."
It really speaks from the heart.

I like the third stanza because I could really empathize with her pain, and then having someone there to be her "Guiding Light" through the pain.

This poem is a like looking through a keyhole into Meghan's life. It's an expression of her love and fears.

Perhaps there could have been more descriptive scenery, and details about the specific events of her life. I would have liked to seen her go even deeper.

What do you guys think about this? I wrote it over the weekend

Meghan Harris

Our first kiss, perfect.

The kind that makes your stomach flutter,

Our first fight, the foreshadowing of the next year of my life.

“I love you” you said almost instantly,

Did you even know what love was?

Was it to hurt? To Fight?

I love you, what a lie.

I never uttered a word, because silence is key.

Did you know that you left one too many scars on me?

“A man” you’d say “would never hit a lady”

And even though you never laid a hand on me,

You’ll never be a man you see,

Between the fights and the screaming,

My heart sank slowly,

The Titanic could relate to me,

That instant shock of the freezing cold water,

The spiral to the bottom, the steady sinking

My two favorite feelings; hurt and afraid

Were all I could ever feel on those endless nights;

The hours where screaming was all I could ever hear or contemplate.

Apart from the crowd, away from the world;

In that little white room; trapped and alone

Where you locked me away,

Oh , what you did to me when you threw away that key!

Pushing and pulling, screaming and yelling;

Silence, still was key

What I said would have never been heard, had I ever found the words

My protests ignored and drowned out by your persistent kisses,

Different from the first, merciless and lacking bliss

The happiness was gone, but your passion was always there,

You always seemed to be so unaware.

My perception of love is now diminished, the thoughts of you still haunt me now,

They warrant me day after day.

Though I wish I could say it is only at night,

I know that it would be a lie.

I see your face everywhere I turn,

Sometimes in his.

When he speaks sometimes, I hear your voice.

That sweet tone, like honey…the one you used after you got your way.

Even, the silence kills me now,

It reminds me of the heart shattering silence that fell after we had went out rounds.

Panic and grief still over come me,

When he looks at me and makes me think he will say that phrase to me.

I don’t know what I would do, if he ever said “I love you”

You ruined it all for me, for you, even for him.

You ruined what could have been, what can never be.

The hurt you caused will never be erased.

The pain I live with every single day..

This could never fade away, the memories so vibrant, so new

Leaving me breathless, questioning what to do.

The words you used hit me like a train;

But at the end I know you never saw a trace of pain.

Over the months, I learned a great deal, the biggest trick of all

Was how to conceal.

That smile on my face, was such a great disguise,

When I looked into your eyes that final time.

I didn’t allow you the satisfaction,

No. i left with my dignity and faith.

The fears, I buried down deep,

So you could see your own defeat.

Meghan's Review of Alana's Poem!

Alana’s Poem

Alana’s poem reflects on her past, we can see inside her head. Almost like a flashback, she can compare her bad memories, to the good that she is trying to replace it with.

I really like the structure of your poem and how it flows, it has a rhythm to it. I like lines 8-10, mainly because you give thoughts and specific events, you let people really understand what it is that is haunting you, which makes the poem so much more interesting. It really helps us empathize/sympathize with you. After, line 17, “I realize how much I care”, I really like the contrast here, it changes the whole tone of the poem. It goes from a negative to a positive, almost as simulatin the contrast in between the stories. My favorite line in the poem is “I’ve been in hell, and I’ve walked through heaven’s door”, it shows the struggle in the poem, it shows a deep emotion. It makes you understand that you are able to get through anything. It is a sign of hope. My English teacher in high school always told us to look for the “Aha” moment in a poem, where you understand exactly what the reader was trying to get across. For me, this was the “Aha” moment, as I said before gives you hope, as well as insight. It is a point of contrast. The title is also unique, it fits the poem perfectly but the phrase was never used at any other point in the poem. I found that really interesting and I liked that a lot. The imagery is also wonderful. “My mind a still lake” This is a perfect description it shows the seriousness of everything that has happened and makes you understand how what happened previously could not be forgotten.

Tommy's review of Alana's Poem

Workshop Review 1: Alana Roach

            In her poem, Dark Spots, Alana describes how she copes with her troubled past. In the first line, she compares her memories to “medieval torture devices” and then describes how they keep her up at night. The poem is pretty explicit. In the middle of it she declares that she’s come a long way from being “the girl at that bar”, indicating that maybe she was an alcoholic or just a party animal. The poem takes on a more triumphant tone by the second to last line, “I’ve been in hell, and I’ve walked through to heaven’s door.” But Alana reminds us that she is still vulnerable to her “demons” when she is weak and perhaps alone.

            I think that Alana did a great job luring the audience into her haunting nightmares using the “medieval torture devices” simile, which I thought was brilliant. I also think the third line about not being able to scream, when she wakes up gasping for air really gives the poem a lot of power.  It gives this first section, a very isolated helpless tone which gives the poem an enhanced intensity. This tone is also reinforced by the quotes of gossip and trash talk she uses. I really like the one about stealing from her mother because it’s so morally outrageous. This type of writing deeply connects the reader to the poet because it’s such an embarrassing and ethically controversial disclosure.  I really like that image of “the girl at that bar” and everything it could possibly imply about her past. The following line about falling down outside is really awesome because it gives you a point of perspective with its colloquial tone that puts you right inside the bar like your hearing someone tell you about some crazy girl falling down and making a spectacle of herself.

            The poet should do what she wants but I think the poem would be more powerful if it kept a more constant tone. For me the best parts of the poem are the bleaker and painful images so I think that the poet should probably take that tone and run with it or maybe a more organized transition from a miserable tone to a triumphant tone. I also think that the poet might benefit from exploring further metaphors to articulate her emotions, like maybe exchange the image of hell for some other awful place, or exchange demons for some other villain that could hurt you.  I think the poet also might want to make her poem more balanced in regards to where feeling because its great beginning deserves an equally great ending.

Tommy's Review of Meghan's Poem

Review One: Meghan Harris

            In her poem, Best Friends, Meghan Harris talks about first love and her appreciation for her partner even after the relationship ended. I think poem is an honest piece with good rhythm and rhyme scheme. For example in stanza two she uses the AABB rhyme scheme by rhyming “free” with “me” and then “years” with “fears”.  I like how she uses repetition in the first line by saying “First kiss, first fight, first break up, first goodbye”. I think it’s a good introduction. I think the poem could be made more effective with some actually accounts of events in the relationship. For example, she talks about “shutouts”. I think instead of saying it she should reveal a detail from a time one person was shutting out the other out maybe include the location or what words were or weren’t exchanged. I think the poem could also be left more specific and less general by maybe highlighting one moment in the relationship. First love is intense and I think you could really expand on a lot of these feelings and events. You could write an entire poem for all of the “firsts” listed in the opening. I think Meghan did a great job.

Carr's comments on Alana's poem 9/22

To: Alana Roach
From: Carr
Re: “Dark Spots”
Alana,
There are some things working very well here in your poem, “Dark Spots,” a poem about the continuous struggle with inner demons. This is a very good topic or theme to wrestle with in a poem. You are probing some of the dark reaches of the human experience – and one which most of us can relate to well. And to get there, you are employing some strategies that can be effective. First, you are trying to use some metaphors. You begin with the comparison to the “medieval torture devices,” and you keep that going to some extent with lines like “in a vice” and “day churns my mind.” In addition, you have some vivid images. My favorite is the eyes rolling back after you “dropped like a corpse on the pavement.” And finally, I think the things your mind says to you – about the bad relationships and stealing – are intriguing.
All right. So think about some things to work on in revision, and I think there are two main issues here. First, overall your poem would benefit from more concrete imagery. Remember that often the best way to approach an abstract idea is to show it in concrete images. Go back and read Jorie Graham – and read more of her work. In “Salmon,” she uses nothing but concrete images to show the distractions of the mind (the moth, her mother’s suicide, etc), and you might do the same here with things like the story of the bar, and maybe even the stealing and bad man.
Second, I suggest that you keep working on the frame of this poem. Right now it’s a little bit all over the place. You start with the medieval torture chamber, but then it doesn’t really control the poem. You jump in time from the terror of the night to the calm day and then back to night. I can follow it, but I don’t think it is at maximum efficiency. One thing you might try is to tell a story – again, look at Jorie Graham. Let something you do or see trigger the voices, maybe, and then show more scenes – real ones.
OK. There is definitely plenty of material to work with here, so I strongly encourage you to continue working on this one. Let me know if you have questions. Good luck.
CK

Carr's comments on Meghan's poem 9/22

To: Meghan Harris
From: Carr
Re: “Best Friend”
Meghan,
There are some things working well here in your poem, “Best Friend.” First, this is a very god subject for a poem. Friends are an important part of our lives. As you say, they are often the ones who are closest to us during pivotal moments of our lives: “First kiss, first fight, first break up, first goodbye.” At the same time, friendships also contain an aspect that makes them different than familial relationships: they don’t always last. Family members are always there, often when we don’t want or appreciate them. But friends can move away or become distant if we don’t nurture the friendship. They are delicate. And it is this aspect of your friendship, it’s fragile nature, that I am most intrigued by and that is signaled at the end of your poem. There you ask, “Best friends forever, nothing could be better?” right before you tell us you made a promise with your friend not to forget. That’s good stuff.
OK. So what to work on in revision? The first thing I would suggest is to try and bring a sharper focus to your poem. Right now you are trying to include every aspect of your relationship in the one poem. That leads to the kind of general, abstract writing that we see here. You tell us about then kinds of things she did for you, but no specifics. For example, we don’t know why you lost trust in her (or someone else), why you had to forgive, what you fought about, why you were afraid, etc. We don’t really have any sense of who you are in this poem. Nothing here is specific to your life. So focus. Choose one aspect of your friendship, choose one situation that is meaningful to you. I suggest the parting, because it seems the most acute here. Perhaps you could show us the scene of your goodbye and really probe this aspect of the human condition – that we are afraid to lose our friends. But show this by using specific, concrete details. Show us what you saw, heard, felt, tasted, smelled. Show us what you did, how you acted. And through this showing let us understand your feelings, your humanity.
All right. So keep working on the poem. This is the kind of topic that can be super powerful if you get real with it. Good luck.
CK

Isolation One

Children cycle by like circus then they're gone
and my mind screams out like a slaughter house at dawn
or a railway to Treblinka
and then the sun sags like a testicle in flames
It's too fucking hot and i go back inside.

Workshop Poem

Best Friend

First kiss, first fight, first break up, first goodbye;
First one there to ever let me cry,
You stood by me and wouldn't say a single word, listening carefully,
Everything I said was always heard.

You taught me to forgive, to be free,
How it feels to have someone be there for me;
You watched my trust break down over the years,
Witnessed the laughter and all of my fears

Through the pain and the shutouts,
The screams and the fights,
Your patience came through like a guiding light.

Though we’re apart now, I know it wont be forever,
If I pick up the phone, I know you’ll say something clever;
Best friends forever, nothing could be better?

We made a promise, one we both can keep;
To always remember each other and to never
Accept defeat.

Gratitude and thanks would never be enough, but
Thanks for being there for me whenever life gets tough.