Aliza's review of Clare, Rhiannon,Tracy and Amber (Short Stories)

Clare: Fish and Juleps
Fish and Juleps is a story about a young couple, Clark and Ida who squabble one evening because Ida believes the cat that has been in their house for the previous two weeks is not really their cat and Clark thinks that Ida is being absurd. Though the story’s action is moved by the “maybe-stranger cat” dilema, the story itself is really more about Clark and Ida’s relationship, a dynamic that makes the story both enderingly personal and relatable to the reader. Right now I think Clare has some really nice details: the description of food preparation, the poker game and well-used poker chips, Clark’s choo choo train food delivery to Ida’s mouth, Ida’s eccentricity-the gloves (but does she wear the gloves to hide her chewed up fingers or does she wear them so she doesn’t have to really touch the stranger cat?). Even though Ida’s a bit high strung and her behavior is a little ridiculous, Clare manages to make her likable perhaps because the reader sees her through Clark, who obviously loves her in spite of or perhaps even because of her quirks. I’d like to see a bit more backstory for Ida, nothing explicit—just some subtle passing details-perhaps referencing her behavior over the past two weeks as she’s been convinced their cat was an intruder, maybe even some details that explains her neurotic tendancies.
Rhiannon: Mama
In “Mama” Olivia, the central character, has flashback memories of her childhood and her mother as she lies in a hospital bed, dying of cancer. At the end of the story Olivia dies and is reunited with her mother. I’m intrigued by Rhiannon’s decription of Olivia’s mother who “never liked the winter,” yet lives in Buffolo. Olivia calling her mother “Mama” and refering to her mother’s meatloaf makes me think maybe her mother was originally from the South, which perhaps explains her disdain for snow. But still this attitude, especcially since it is sort of central to the story begs to be explained. I think in creativley explaing this attitude Rhiannon might be able to convery the detail and characterization that it the story currently lacks. In a story, like this one, where the subject matter is meant to illicit a particularly emotional response from the reader detail is key, because if the characters aren’t well developed enough the reader can’t relate to them and ultimatly doesn’t care if they live or die. I like the image at the end of Olivia and her mother dancing in the snow and I think Rhiannon might focus on that night of Olivia’s childhood-the night her mother, who normally despised the cold, danced with her daughter in the snow-what were the circumstances, etc. that brought about this anamolous behavior?
Tracy: Oubliette
In “Oubliette” the main character Mrs. Fitzgerald mourns the loss of her son, Zachary, who has killed himself, and seeks brutally violent revenge on the priest who, as she discovered from reading Zachary’s journals, molested him when he was a child. I think Tracy is a really good writing, her words are deliberate and appear carefully chosen, her sentences are strong and direct, and her descriptions and details are good. The violence is a bit gratuitous at points but what I really find problematic about this story, rather than the brutality, is the subject matter- I think the child molesting priest angle is just too contrived.

Amber: Nighttime with Daddy
In Nighttime with Daddy the main character visits her father’s grave and reminisces about how her father would read her bed time stories when she was a little kid. I think this story moves too fast. The author expects the readers to be emotionally attached to the characters too quikly, expects that by in a sense telling the reader that this is a sad moment is enough to make the reader really feel sad, connected, etc. This is a good start, but I want to know more about the characters, more details: what were some of the stories her father told? Pre-written stories or ones he made up? Hansel and Gretal or Moby Dick? What was her father like not just in her perception but in the perceptions of others? If he was so wonderfull why does noone visit his grave anymore? Why is the mother so cold, impatient and anxious to leave?

Joann Adamczyk's Review of Tracy, Aliza, Clare, Becca, and Jaime's stories.

Obliette
By: Tracy Madrid

I think this story is a little but too dramatic, shicking, and gory; although i do like the idea of of your story. I think a little bit more of a back story about the son and/or the Priest might be helpful, and what kind of people they are and what their personality is like. What i do like and what i think is your part of the story is how you describe how much the main character loves her son, and what her feelings are really like. This story has much potential, even though it is very intense , you do a great job drawing in your readers and making them read until the end to fun out what happens.

Mouse Story
by; Aliza Ghaffari

At least once in our life we have probably gone through what Lydia felt when she saved the helpless mouse and had to make a decision on what to do, and what was right. I love the way this story evolves, and the character's feelings behind an innocent mouse stuck to a trap. I also like how you describe the main character petting the mouse's ear and fur, I can really feel a connection there. I also like this story because when a mouse is in a trap set by us, we don't think about the creature's feelings, we just know that their dirty with germs. This story is certainly original and something outside the box.

Fish and Juleps
By: Clare McCauley

This story I believe is very meaningful and great in so many ways. When I was reading your story I felt connected to Ida and Clark, and i felt their connection to each other in the story. I enjoyed the first couple of paragraphs where you describe where you describe where Clark and Ida live, and my favorite line is, "The rain had brought down dead branches that could fill the vessel. There were rocks to worry about, at the shallow shore. I think your strongest moment in the story is when Clark discovers Ida biting her nails and she's biting her nails so much that there's dried blood underneath some of her very short nails. Also, I liked the part when Clark questions Ida's insanity when she thinks her cat is a different cat and she screams, "This....is not our cat." I really did enjoy this story and the feelings I had for the characters.

In His Eyes
By: Becca Hutcheson

I really enjoyed this story and how it's third person to where the reader is almost at dinner with these two people. I liked how you included "understatement" and the feelings the reader can feel about Alice. I also liked the kind of character you portrayed Alice, I believe she is a strong woman moving to Croatia by herself. I can really see her as a real person. The things I would change is the ending, it seems too open ended, What happens next? Also, a back story may also help to develop your characters more. Lastly, I think you need more of a setting, What is the restaurant like? Is it in America? This story is a great foundation for a love story, and I liked reading it.

Ambivalence
By: Jaime Hacker

I really liked this story a lot and I feel like we can all relate to have some sort of ambivalence in our everyday lives. I love how this story is in first person perspective and we can feel what the narrator is feeling about her life and how she feels about her day to day routine. My favorite line that illustrates how ambivalent the character is when she says "I'm leaving, you see, all of this feeling of ambivalence towards life isn't to say I want to die. That would require conviction, longing." I think this story makes an incredibly string statement about life and what we all are feeling internally from one day to the next.

Kenny's Review of short stories

Critique de Mama by Rhiannon Feehly This short story is about a terminally ill woman who is remembering her mother. She routinely recreates memories of her childhood after she gets doped up. The woman wants to relive those memories of when she was a child under her parents care—specifically, her mother. Then she dies while recreating another moment in time with her mother as she joins her in death. This short story flows well and is easy to read. There is a bit of character confusion and it may help to revise the introduction of characters to avoid this pitfall.

Critique de Nighttime with Daddy by Amber Schleicher
This short story is about a woman who misses her father. She has the routine of visiting her father on his birthday/death day. She wants to relive the special moments that she had all alone with him and that is what drives her to revisit his grave time and time again. This short story keeps optimism as an undertone that serves as a significant relief from the story’s implied sad overtone. One thing that writer may do differently in the future is include more nighttime themes to capture the “nighttime with daddy” allusion.

Critique de Checkers by Ben Middleton
The main character of the story is Timmy. His favorite game is checkers. He became proficient at this game and lost all respect for his opponents. Then, a younger, more jovial character enters his life. His name is David and he beats Timmy in a match of checkers. Timmy, enraged, never plays checkers again. Soon thereafter, Timmy receives a dog as goodwill present from his parents. Time passes and he meets David in the park. A resolution is made and the story ends. I really liked this story. It was down to earth and easily related. One thing that the writer may do differently is develop David’s tenacity for checkers that it may offer some insight as to how he beat Timmy in a match of checkers.

Critique de Stubborn Fifty Mile Trail by Jaclyn Quattrochi
Stubborn Fifty Mile Trail is about a competitive woman whose pride gets the best of her and gets her into a hellish experience on a 7hour trip to PA and back. This story captures a point of view of dejection and accomplishment. The author made this very realistic and it shows in the dialogue of the story. One thing that the author may do differently in the story is expound upon the last five miles to the trail to have a sense of simmering to the story’s conclusion. This was interesting and it had great development.

Critique de Playing Dangerously by Sam Weber Playing Dangerously is about two boys who, out of curiosity, venture into an unknown house and vandalize it. Unbeknownst to them, the resident apprehends them. And they flee. One thing that the author did well is that he told a solid story with a quick rise to the climax and a quick fall. One thing that the author may do differently in the future is he may add more excitement to the chase resolution.

Critique de The Education of Mary by Mary Baugdan Hauf
The Education of Mary is a biographical account of the author. It is the first biography given for our class in the sense of a short story. One thing that the author did well was sum up countless events for a one page short story. One thing that the author may do differently is put an obstacle as the turning point is the story so that it can follow the structure of accomplishment after struggle.

Critique de Torn Apart by Joann Adamcyzk This short story is about a woman who has an inquisitive daughter that wonders about her parents’ interaction. The mother, still in love with her ex-husband, reflects about the way things could be, should be, but just isn’t the way she intended. She leaves and tries to give her daughter a subtle understanding of why things are the way they are. One thing that the author did well was she wrote a very meaningful and clear story. One thing that she may do differently is that she may give all the characters names.

Critique de A Morning in Tangiers by Jim Bouder
This short story is about a man that contemplates his reasoning for him being in the place that he’s in. One short morning is all it takes and he finally deals with years of not facing his motives. After a sit-down with his friends, it all comes out and they finally began to share what they previously had been unaware—why they all came to Tangiers. One thing that the author did well was he used great detail to describe the actions of his characters. One thing that he may do differently is he may give the supporting characters more life.

Critique de Aliza’s Story
The main character in the short story about mice is a woman named Lydia. She goes into distress about having to deal with a mouse that got caught on a mouse-trap. One thing that the author did well was that she showed the fit of human emotion through her story. One thing that she may do differently is she could add more character development in her story.

Critique de Fish and Juleps by Clare McC The main character of the story is Clark. Throughout the story, he tries to cheer up Ida, his woman, but to no avail. One thing that that author did well was introduce the chemistry between the two. One thing that the author could do differently in the future is give a back-story for Ida’s attitude.

Critique de In His Eyes by Becca
The main character of the story is Alice. She meets with an acquaintance named Al. Something happened between the two and it does not transpire throughout the story. One thing that the author did well was that she illustrated a situation that was imaginable. One thing that the author may do differently next time is she may include more of what happened previously that makes Alice react the way she does.

Critique de short story by Jamie Hacker
The main character of the story is the narrator. She explains her life throughout the story. Nothing too great, nothing too minimal, but always needed. One thing that the author did well was that she illustrated a situation that was very human. One thing that the author may do differently next time is she may make a moral of the story to inspire the readers to do a great deed.

Mary's Review of James McBride Lecture

James McBride, author of The Color of Water, came to CCBC recently to talk to students about life on earth as a human being. His story included perspective of failure and that nothing is considered a failure in life because life is about failure. Mr. McBride spoke diligently about attitude and the importance of keeping positive about each new experience. The whole purpose of an experience is not whether we fail or not but how we view our failures and what value there is to learning from each one. He spoke of his experience at Oberlin College and what gift it was to be able to attend an abolitionary school; what a privilege it was to be there. A saxophone player, Mr. McBride (a PhD) emphasized the critical essence of learning. He complemented us for being students of a collegiate level, to value it and continue to grow. His lecture was motivational and stimulating to the writer and provided not only a sense of direction, focus as well. The lecture was concluded with reception and book signing.

Review of movie about a boy soldier

Review of movie about a boy soldier

Ben's review of Becca's short story

Becca's short story, In his eyes, is an interesting narrative poem set in a pleasant restaurant. The main scene revolves around two ex-lovers who are meeting for dinner. The woman, called Alice,had left him for a business expansion opportunity in Croatia and now having returned is interested in winning him back. The conflict emerges when he speedily presents the idea of leaving the restaurant and having a fun night out as a couple again because she's "gotta come back" to him sometime. For some reason unknowing to her this fills her with anger and she leaves, hastely eliminating possibilities of reviving their relationship. From a guy's point of view, in his eyes, I would be very confused. He has forgiven her for leaving him for a job, clearly wants her back and so does she, and yet she walks out. This story allows the guys who read it to look into the mind of a woman in this situation. What works well is the realism, the fact that planned situations like this can abruply change and go the opposite way. Both people in this story do not know why their meeting ending in disaster, although he says at the end, "I know", I do not fully believe he does. The repetition of the phrase, "I know", throughout the story works well in emphasizing the fact that he has truely forgiven her for leaving and wants her back. I would not change a whole lot to the story, one this would be to give a little more character and depth to the man, a name perhaps and a backround of what he was doing while she was away. Perhaps mention past lovers in her absense, however none could be compared to her perhaps.

Ben's review of Jaime's short story

Jaime's story, I'm going to title as Ambivalence, is a narrative short story where the author describes her present life as being uneventful and average. She faces the problem described as "floating by" in life, a concept that many people can relate to. She is in school at a Community College, not motivated enough to attend a 4-year institution however doesn't want to commit fully to dropping out of school. Others have titled her as a smart kid who lacks motivation and discipline, I believe she feels the same way. Her life at home is the same as it is in school: an average everyday routine where she cares for her younger brother b/c her mother is busy, doesn't talk to her stepdad, and hangs out in her basement. She longs for a change, one with improvement, acknowledging that she is an amorphous clay needing to be properly molded. Another conflict that the author faces is that she feels as though noone truely cares about her. She knows people like her, but they don't care about her b/c she doesnt care about them. Jamie's problems and conflicts that she addresses in the story can be easily related to a younger audience, a main reason this story works well. Her description as a college student who feels as though she is "drifting by" in life is a feeling felt by many. One aspect I would improve on is to add in some events: this is a very good introduction however lacks some rising action. You can begin to see some when she mentions packing and moving, but to go where?

Review of movie about a boy soldier

Ezdra is a clip documentary about boy soldier in Africa. The events which happened prior to his capture and the events that followed are graphically displayed. This movie is about a youth under the age of 16 who was captured by African militants during the massacre of his village and the slaughter of his parents. Women were gang raped and left do die; and those who were left to live were brutally mutilated. Ezra's own sister was rape and her tongue ripped out of her mouth. Those in captivity forced to fight and kill with these terrorists were brainwashed regularly, and those whose wills were surrendered to destruction were fed drugs and became further under evil control. Africa is a country rich with diamonds and gold, money for whichever purpose those seeking destruction and control of human lives sought to achieve. Drugs, plumbing, hot water and the amenities of modern life, and weapons were the trade-off. All these desirables were paid for by human lives, whether lost by death or surrender to evil. Although graphically disturbing, this movie was an excellent account of what really happens when power works against humanity.

Expanded Review of CCBC Play

Community College of Baltimore County recently hosted Taming of the Shrew in a jovial, revised version of the Shakespearean play. This play was portrayed as comedy and featured music and dance much akin to a musical. The play included time-traveling references to the 19th to 21st centuries, such as advertisements and televised fragments of current phrases and produces, cereal, for example. It was entertaining and satirical as the characters interacted with each other in ways not typical of the Shakespearean era, provocative and witty (highly improper).

Since my expertise is music, this writer would comment that the music was wonderful, professional and personable. The introduction began with singing of two madrigals, who continued to narrate this production from the sidelines. As they came into view, their voices were perfectly harmonized and wonderfully connected. Hats off to Natalie Bryson, soprano, and Michelle Lester, alto, for a beautiful opening and lively voices!

Aliza's review of Jackie, Mary, and Kenny's short stories

Jackie

In “Stubborn Fifty Mile Trail,” the main character (which I assume is Jackie herself), insists on going on a fifty-mile bicycling trip with her boyfriend and friend, even though she knows she is not in good enough shape to make the trip. Though, in the end, Jackie does end up completing the 50 mile trail, she complains throughout, is in extreme pain, and almost quits two miles before finishing, until her boyfriend yells at her to, basically, stop being such a brat.

I like Jackie’s often crass attitude in person and I think it translates well in her writing, making her story’s entertaining and also come off more real/raw. Her character isn’t presented in a particularly likable way (she’s hardheaded, complains a lot, etc.), but the fact that she’s unapologetic about her faults almost makes me like her more. I think Jackie should focus on expanding on her character so the reader gets a better sense of her as a person…maybe slipping in some details about why she is so stubborn and deadest on proving herself even though she and everyone else involved knows she’s putting herself in a situation she can’t handle (at least not with ease). Also, I think the ending needs some fine-tuning. It ends very abruptly and I’m not left with a full understanding of why this story is important or meaningful to either the author or myself. Overall, I like this story.

Mary

“The Education of Mary,” describes the five year period in Mary’s life, in which she gets in to nursing school with a baby on the way, starts off with poor grades, marries the father of her child, has her child, has to get a job and apply for government aid to make ends meet, leaves her abusive husband to live in a shelter, returns to her abusive husband and manages, through all of her travails, to graduate school with good grades. This is a lot of life to cover in a seven-paragraph short story. Any of these events, could I’m sure be deserving of their own short story. By packing so much information in, I think a lot of the details are left out which makes the story read more like a bio than short fiction/prose. I’m left wanted to know more about Mary as a person; why went back to her abusive ex? How she felt being in a shelter with a young child? I love the title and like the idea of how life can be far more educative than the classroom.

Kenny

In “My Daddy’s Cologne” the unnamed main character, who’s father abandoned him when he was a child, reminisces about the scent of his father’s cologne and recounts a childhood experience in which he recovered a bottle of the cologne dropped by his father who he hasn’t seen since that day. I love the intro to this story, in which the reader is shown a punky teenage boy, who shoplifts while wearing his father’s cologne and dreams of meeting the father that he never really knew. After reading the intro I was expecting that the story would describe this boy’s longing for his father, perhaps reveal how his father had a criminal past and discuss how the boy heads down this path as a way symbolically connect with his dad. However, instead the story veers in unexpected and really confusing direction, involving parenthetical bowl movements and a flashback to the main character’s childhood in which he is either a super baby capable of complex thought or an eight year old who still wears diapers (not quite sure which). Honestly, I think body of the story should be scrapped and the focus shifted towards the adolescent boy that we are first introduced to and who I, as a reader, was really intrigued by. Once again, really love the initial idea. The emotions and memories we associate with smell is a really interesting subject and a great short story frame.

Aliza's review of Joann's short story

Joanne: Torn Apart

In Joann’s story “Torn Apart,” Linda, a 30-something year old woman and mother morns the end of her 10-year long marriage to a man with whom she is still in love, but cannot be with because he has had an affair. Marcie, Linda’s young daughter, attempts to grasp the separation of her parents, but due to her age is still unable to understand why her family has been “torn apart,” as her mother refuses to explain the situation, but reassures her that it is not her fault. The story takes place as Linda and Marcie are on the train ride back to Baltimore from D.C. where Linda brings Marcie every weekend so that she can visit her father.

I like the way Joann begins her story in the middle of the train ride and then unfolds the back-story of Linda’s divorce as the story progresses. I also think Joann did a good job capturing the voice of Marcie, the young child. I don’t mind the topic of divorce, but I think since it is so often spoken/written about, one needs to take extra care to avoid seeming contrived/predictable/script-like. I think the story could be improved if Joann gave her characters more substance and focused on internal dialogue. Though Linda is given a bit of back-story and emotion, by the end of the story, I’m still not really left with a good sense of who she is, why she is that way, and why I should care about her and her sadness. Also, I think there is definitely a lot of room to expand on Marcie’s character. I think, even at 6 or 7 (which I’m assuming is about how old Marcie is supposed to be) children are more aware of what’s going on around them than adults give them credit for. Even if, due to her age, some of her perceptions are a little bit skewed, I think showing the reader a little more of Marcie’s thoughts/feelings, etc. would add depth to her character and the story as a whole. Also, I think it would be good if Joann focused on showing, with action and details, the situation/emotion, etc. she’s trying to convey as opposed to pointedly telling the reader what is going on.

Jackie’s review on Sam’s short story
Sam’s short story Playing Dangerously is a story about two boys that, the central character being Nick, that are bored because all their friends have an X-box and they don’t. The boys decide to go explore an interesting looking warehouse to change up their daily routines. Once they are in the warehouse they start to throw rocks at the windows when a strange, deranged man starts yelling at them explaining that the warehouse is his house. The boy quickly get away and seem confused by what had happened to them. I believe the idea of the story is pretty much saying that hanging out with each other, without an x-box may seem boring, but they should not try to look for new adventures because they could end up in a very dangerous situation with a bad outcome. The story seemed to teach the boys the lesson to be more careful, and don’t go looking for trouble. I really enjoyed Sam’s story, and I felt that the idea of the deranged man was very entertaining for the reader. The only suggestions I have would be to expand on the ending of the story more. I think Sam should have explained more about what the boys thought about this deranged man and their adventure. Maybe even explained if the boys ever went on an adventure like that again. Overall I felt the story was very interesting and entertaining.
Jackie’s review on Joann’s short story
Joann’s short story is about a little girl named Marcey and her weekend trips of taking the train with her mother to D.C. to visit her father because her parents are divorced. Marcey seems to be having trouble understanding the idea that her parents are divorced when she frequently asks her mom why they can’t stay with daddy or why daddy cannot come with them. Later in the story the reader finds that Marcey’s mother still loves her father but is very hurt by the letter she found that he wrote to another women. I really like the idea of Joann’s story. Divorce is something many people have to experience and most people can relate to. I also like the idea that it is evident that the mother still loves Marcey’s father, but Marcey’s mother tells Marcey that sometimes parents stop loving eachother and that was why her parents were not together anymore. I felt this was a significant aspect of the story. The suggestions I have for Joann would be to not change the central character from Marcey to her mother. I felt the story would be the strongest if it was from Marcey’s mothers point of view. I also think the story would be stronger if there was some kind of more significant problem going on with Marcey considering that she is dealing with her parent’s divorce and does not understand what is happening. I felt this was a very good theme for a story and overall I really enjoyed reading it.
Jackie’s review on Jim’s short story
The morning of Tangiers is a short story about a man who lives in Tangiers and is very routine oriented. Abe is the central character and Abe sticks to his routine everyday and seems to follow the same order in which he does things every morning. On this particular morning there is something different about Abe’s morning. Although Abe follows his normal routine he finds that there is something on his mind. After going to his usual meeting place to meet his friends for breakfast Abe finds that he really wants to tell his long time friends about how he came to live in Tangiers. The reader finds that Abe used to live in South Carolina in his twenties. One night Abe got attacked by a man trying to steal his money. When the man pulled a knife on Abe, Abe somehow got the knife from the man and killed him. Abe fled from the United States to Tangiers and has been living in Tangiers ever since. Once Abe tells his friends this they all explain that no matter what they are his friend and it ended up that they all had similar stories. I really enjoyed Jim’s story and felt it was well constructed. I felt that this was a story with real action and it was well thought out. I really liked how in detailed Jim went with Abe’s morning routines so the reader could get a better sense of who Abe is. The only suggestions I have for Jim would be to expand more on Abe’s life before he fled to Tangier. To explain more about how Abe was able to leave his life behind in South Carolina to flee to Tangiers. I really enjoyed Jim’s story and felt that it was very well thought out.
Jackie’s review on Kenny’s Short Story
My Daddy’s Cologne is a short story about a boy who does not know his father. He puts his fathers cologne on everyday in hopes that his father will find him and they can be together again. As a small child when the central character is with his mother on a bench by a grocery store his father sees his mother changing his diaper. His mother had a restraining order against in father and got security to come and make him leave. That was the last time the boy saw his father, and as security took his father away his cologne fell out of his pocket and they boy grabbed it and kept it ever since. I think it was a good idea for the story to be about a boy not knowing his father and wanting a relationship with him. I also really liked how the significant the cologne is to the boy because when someone we want in our life is gone we seem to hold onto specific objects that remind us of them. Some suggestions I have for Kenny would be to have the boy older when he sees his father for the last time. Most toddlers still in diapers do not remember events like this. Also I suggest to pick a different time frame then the 1950’s or take out spaghetti o’s and fruit roll ups because I do not believe spaghetti o’s and fruit roll ups were around in the 1950’s. It will make the story seem more realistic.

Joann's Review odf Kenneth, Mary, Jackie, Jim, an Sam's Short Stories

My Daddy's Cologne By: Kenneth Seivers
I think this idea and outline of this story has much potential and meaning. The main character is trying to remember his father through his cologne, and do what his father would of done. Although, I do have a difficult time trying to follow this story, for example how is the main character stealing comic books while he is still in diapers? I also find it very awkward that you say the character's age is 58 months, he's walking, stealing, brushing his own teeth, taking showers, and making his mom change his diaper. I also think you should change where the main character hides his father's cologne, I think it's kind of strange that that he hides it inside his diaper. I think this story has a good outline and is good idea, i just think there are a few things you should work on.

The Education of Mary By:Mary Hauf
I find this story to be an outline or synopsis of a memoir/biography. I do like how you generally tell what happened, but on the flip side you need more details of specific events or actions. I think that would make this story even stronger. For example, you say you learned strength, describer a specific event where you gained that quality. I would also describe in more detail about your first chemistry class, what do you remember most , not just your final grade? Lastly, I would add descriptions of physical features of Karey when she was born and even her father. I think this story has much potential to be a memoir, I would just add a few more stronger details.

Stubborn Fifty Mile Trail By: Jackie Quattrochi
I really enjoyed reading this story and the feelings behind the fifty mile trail. I also liked how much dialogue you added which made me think that I'm right there with you on the trail. Also, when you feel the pain in your knee and hip, it was as if I was almost feeling it too. What I would change about is maybe you should add more details about the trail. What does the trail look like? Describe the stream that you cam across. Also, maybe you could talk about your bike and if it's significant to your life in anyway. Lastly, I would add some action or "story" on the trail, like maybe your boyfriend fell into the stream or you got separated and lost on the trail. It may make your story even stronger.

A Morning in Tangiers By: Jim Bouder
I think this story is really great, and I like it because of all the details you added. I think the way you describe and the adjectives you use to describe Abe Wellington's small apartment in Tangiers, his everyday routine, the dialogue he has with his friends, and also what happened in Folly Beach South Carolina on April 26, 1954 makes this a very strong and compelling story. Also, when i was reading this story I could feel the bond Abe had with his friends , how much they meant to him and his life, and also how understanding they were when find out about Abe's past. Lastly, the strongest moment and what makes this story as strong as it can be is when the main character describes what happened in South Caroline 43 years ago.

Playing Dangerously By: Sam Weber
I like the idea of this story, two young boys looking for an adventure to stay away from boredom. I think when we were all kids we can relate to this in some way. I liked your descriptions of the warehouse they climb into and how excited they feel. I also think you did a great job describing the homeless man who called the warehouse his home. Indeed, I think the strongest point and climax of your story is when the two boys come across the man and he pushes the frightened boys to the ground. The only thing I would correct would be the grammatical errors with your dialogue, it makes it a bit difficult to understand.

Revision of Review for t

Revision of Review for t