review for nicki

In Nicki’s untitled short story, Jared takes a drug called Black Market Blood which involves slicing open his palm. He becomes addicted. Within, 6 months he is dealing the drug, selling to young users. The story is unfinished and doesn’t really have an ending but takes us into the life the dealer and explains the process of taking BMB. I thought the story had a lot of rich details which display knowledge of the psychology of a dealing drug addict. She speaks of a burning sensation very vividly in paragraph four she says “The fire crept up through his body, tensing each of his muscles as the flames enveloped him.” I think this a very effective use of language and I think when tapping into the mind of an addict it important to articulate the high they get upon dosing. I also like how the final paragraph displays Jared as a hypocrite because he is disgusted by the young addict who takes the BMB in the middle of the street. As much as this repulses Jared, he is can’t help but cave in to his addiction and also cut himself in the middle of the street. I think for revision Nicki should try and finish the story, because this is definitely an interesting start. Also I think she could perhaps describe the personal habits of Jared a little more because at this point all we know is that he has been addicted to BMB for six months and is now peddling it. I want to see if Jared has anybody he cares about and how their relationship has changed since he started using and whether or not it has affected him at work. I think a little more character development could go a long way here.

Alana Roach’s Crirtique of Nicki’s “C’mon man, give it a try”

Alana Roach’s Crirtique of Nicki’s “C’mon man, give it a try”

This short story takes place in an alley way. The main character Jared gets addicted to this BMB drug, and ends up selling it to support his habit.

I think this did a good job of describing an active addiction. Her action scenes were written well, and I think she captured the mind set perfectly.

I wish that it was longer. I wish I got more of a description of Jared. How he grew up. Where he lived, etc.

Alana Roach’s critique of Ameena’s Praying and Plotting

Alana Roach’s critique of Ameena’s Praying and Plotting

This was a short story that takes place in a funeral home. Carroll is the widow of Michael, and is consoling his Mother while she takes pride in the fact that she (Carroll) murdered him justifiably (or so she thinks). She gets arrested in the end of the story.

I like the concrete details in this. Small concrete details like the line in the 3^rd paragraph , “She tried to hide her amusement as she smoothed out a wrinkle in her dress and continued rubbing the elderly woman’s back.” They really lend a strong feel to the story.

I would have liked more of the story. More of a feel for the woman Carroll’s personality.

Alana Roach’s critique of Ameena’s Praying and Plotting

This was a short story that takes place in a funeral home. Carroll is the widow of Michael, and is consoling his Mother while she takes pride in the fact that she (Carroll) murdered him justifiably (or so she thinks). She gets arrested in the end of the story.

I like the concrete details in this. Small concrete details like the line in the 3^rd paragraph , “She tried to hide her amusement as she smoothed out a wrinkle in her dress and continued rubbing the elderly woman’s back.” They really lend a strong feel to the story.

I would have liked more of the story. More of a feel for the woman Carroll’s personality.

mias story

New York City’s Skyline is a confessional piece about a wealthy young girl who wants to move to New York City. The story takes place on a hill where you could see the Baltimore city skyline where she has the realization that she has been doing everything that other people want her to do while doing nothing for herself. After a brief conversation with a police officer she decides it’s time for her to move to New York. I like the setting of the story and that there is a lot of confession within this story. I think it’s a great subject for a story. Everybody with demanding parents feels the need to break out from them. This is a story that will resonate with others. I like that Mia made the character drunk. Even though drunk driving is awful I think it makes the character seem more real because they have been given flaws. I think it is an issue however how quickly we are told that the main character is the daughter of wealthy CEO. I think it throws off the flow of the story. I think it could be twisted a little bit to make it flow better in the story. I think she might have wanted to describe the skyline and the setting a little more because it’s a little vague and difficult to get an image of what the character looks like.

review of meghans story

Meghan’s short story, Anna, is about a widower who is so emotionally disturbed by the death of his wife that he loses his job. He comes in contact via telephone with his dead wife’s mother. The man is reluctant to visit the wife because Anna, his deceased wife, said she was abusive. When he meets her, the mother tells the widower that she tried to protect Anna from her abusive father but for some reason Anna was a daddy’s girl and resented her mother for throwing out her husband after he hit her. I like that the story discusses the narrator’s emotions and ideas beyond just what they are doing. I think that makes the story more personal like your reading a journal entry. It gives us greater insight into whom the main character is as a person. However I think you could display this a little in more subtle manner. Instead of saying that he had a mental breakdown you could describe the real concrete things that happened to him during his mental breakdown. I think this is excellent subject matter for a short story because it is intense. I like that you include some information about the narrator’s daily routine. The description of his wife could possibly be toned down a little bit. All though I believe the dead wife was an excellent woman I think the descriptions of her are a little too fantastic for me. I think this short story could be edited for better character development.

taj review

Asphalt Gridiron is a first person narrative about a child hood football game in Texas. The kids in

The story play in the street and in the end the narrator’s team wins the game by a touchdown as the sun sets. This story is very detailed which I like a lot. Childhood stories are a great way to connect with the reader because most people feel very strongly about their child hood. Whether they look back on it fondly or whether they look back on it agony most people look back on their childhood. I don’t think there is anyone who honestly feels indifferent about their childhood. For reediting I would suggest removing some of the metaphors he used in the story. I have nothing against the metaphors in and of themselves but in my opinion most metaphor in fiction just feels a little campy. I would also try to explain why this particular game was important to the character. I think there needs to be further character development in the story.

review of ameena

Ameena’s story, Praying and Plotting, tells the story of a woman named Carrol who murders her husband and is arrested at his funeral. She has little remorse for her deed but will have to face the law. Ameenas story has good subject matter and is written in a clear matter. She has included some good details like here. The moment of her following the pallbearers outside is told well. I think what ameena could do for revision is use more particular words for example instead of saying “Midwestern town” she could name a town in the Midwest. Instead of saying “food-filled dish” you could say “spaghetti filled dish” or some other particular food. This is a good plot for a story but i want the characters to be developed further so I can care more about whether or not they live or die, cry or smile, or go to jail or get beaten. I think this story needs to be longer in order to make the story more powerful.