Review of War Stories at CCBC

The play War Stories thoughtfully executed in a play rendition by CCBC students was a careful rendition of what experiences victims throughout thaw world experience as victims of war.

Each scene was the factual reenactment of thoughts, feelings and actions war victims experience and engages the audience is thoughtful reality. The play was generated, produced, directed and reenacted by CCBC students, some of whom were actual war victims. Many reproduced thoughts of CCBC students from years before were remembered as well. An awe-inspiring experience, this was well worth the time and CCBC is commended for such creative approach to bring new openness to this sensitive issue. A question/answer discussion followed.

Mary Bogdan Hauf

Ishmael Beah Spejaks at CCBC

To imagine life as a boy soldier is a terror in itself. The book, A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier, speaks of a boy's journey as firsthand witness--and participator--of the perils of war. Ishmael spoke of his of his experiences at the young age of 11. Mr. Beah's village was raided when he was a boy at this age, family killed, village burned. down. He was one of many young boys who experiences were similar, and later became raiders themselves, having become forcefully recruited to participate as instigators and soldiers at a tender age. Ishmael Beah's recollections of his rehabilitation by UNICEF was explicit: thousands of once-violent brainwashed youth like himself were precariously guided through the long road of rehabilitation and once again regained the invaluable re-connection with civilization on a humanistic level.

Mary Bogdan Hauf

James McBride Speaks at CCBC

James McBride, author of The Color of Water was generous of his time as he spoke at the Essex campus of CCBC. His book, The Color of Water, is a recollection of growing-up experiences. Moreover, his message was powerful. There really are no such things as failures-the experiences we view as failures are on lessons to bring us to a higher level. The lessons are all about our attitudes towards them, how we rise above the seemingly defeats and learn... He encouraged students to stay in school, to learn as much as we can in college and that a college education is a valuable asset. He spoke of the value of being informed and of staying constantly current about what is occurring in the world on a daily basis. One way of doing this is by reading the newspaper on a daily basis. Read the newspaper daily for six months and see how your life becomes changed in pa positive way. Mr McBride is also a saxophonist and an alumni of Oberlin College. A book signing followed the lecture.

Mary Bogdan Hauf

Amber's reviews of Short Stories

Kenneth Sievers, "My Daddy's Cologne"
The beginning of this story has an excellent feel. A reader gets the sense that maybe it's set in the early 1940's, which intrigued me. I think Kenneth should have stayed with this time set, even if it was not his intention. The rest of story carries no revelance to the beginning of the story.

Rhiannon Feehly, "Mama"
I enjoyed this story, especially the ending. I liked how her dream was death in reality. I also liked the revelance to winter. It just seemed appropriate for the story because winter is cold, and so is cancer. One thing I would change about this story is it's depth. It has a great synopsis, but no actual story. It would be nice to know more about Lily, and how she feels about her mother dying, maybe have history repeat itself?

Review of Jackie’s story

Jackie’s story was about a girl riding the North Central Trail on a bike. Problem was, the girl was a chain smoker and probably not in the best shape. In the beginning of the story, I was convinced that the narrator wouldn’t make the trip. I was sure she would give up. To my surprise, Jackie takes through the entire bike ride, including every complaint. I can imagine myself in the story, so I was able to relate. I wish the story was a little more descriptive. I like following the narrator’s thoughts through the story and I’d like to see a little more of that.

Review of Kenny’s story

Kenny’s story is a little confusing to me. It’s kind of hard to imagine. I don’t understand how, when his father left, he was able to stash cologne and put it on. It comes off as the father has been gone for 58 months, but the child is still wearing diapers. It’s a little strange to imagine. I like the idea of the story, but I think it’s a little confusing. If he’s reflecting, I can’t tell. Maybe a little more detail about how old the narrator really is would add some clarity to the story. I like the story behind the cologne, but still don’t understand how a 58 month child would stash a bottle of it in his diaper.

A review of “Night time with Daddy”

Overall, I like the idea of the story. The intro is nice, but I would like to know a little more about the actual story time before the death of the narrator’s father. The story flows, but maybe too quickly. There isn’t enough meat to the story to draw any real conclusions. I’d also enjoy seeing more at the cemetery with a conversation with the narrator’s dead father at his gravesite. I like the idea that she visits the grave on his birthday, but again, I’d like to see a little more there. All in all, I think the idea is a great idea for a short story, but I’d like to see a little more of the narrator talking about the story time and more at the cemetery.

Poem Critiques Week 2

Critique of Jackie’s poem:

Jackie’s poem is one about remembering people you have forgotten. It is written very smoothly and each line transitions nicely to the next. Remembering people you have forgotten existed is a good topic and I really like the poem. I especially like the lines:

Buried deep in the ground
Like memories are buried deep into our minds

The metaphor gives it power and creates a good visual of both people buried and the idea of memories buried. The only thing I would consider revising is the same line that I liked, I would just replace “into” to “within” to make the metaphor even more powerful.

Critique of Sam’s poem:

Sam’s poem really is cute. I like the aspect of going through his day with him as he jumps all the hurdles that he must. I like how he refers to his car as a tin can, it gives me the visual of an old rickety car. I like the lines where he refers to different things like the spider on the web has more time to waste and how a slave spends less time working. I think those lines really give some idea of just how busy and hurried he is. The only line I would consider revising is:

A cancer patient has more luck than me

I just don’t think that it fits well with the rest of the poem.

Critique of Clare’s poem:

I really like this poem. I’m guessing that it’s about bugs probably in the summer time, chomping away at her ankles and feet. I really like the way it is written. I especially like the part where she says:

Bring me:
Your poor!
Your hungry!
Your skin salad junkies

I think that this part of the poem really gives it life and character. The whole poem is nicely written and I really like the idea and style of it. I’m really at a blank for what I would revise because I really like this one.

Amber's reviews of poems

Ben Middleton, "His Mile"
I enjoyed Ben's poem. I enjoyed Ben's poem because a lot of people in poverty are taken advantage of, or made of, and it isn't fair. I liked Ben's relevance from the average to the poor using the words "his mile". Like, would we be one of those people and just walk away, or walk "his mile" and help out the needy. I also like the words that he chose to use like "fear" and "god bless". Every single human being has fear when they see a person in poverty, and seeing a sign that says "god bless" makes it that much harder. This poem hits home with a lot of people because we all act the same way towards this issue, and it's kind of like a wake up call to most of us.

Mary Hauf, "Free"
I like that Mary's poem has a relevance to nature. It's somewhat of a "boring" topic, so when people decide to write about it, it's refreshing to a reader. However, it takes some serious inferencing to understand what Mary's poem is about, and even now, a reader, I am still slightly confused. In my opinion, Mary needs to go back and revise this poem. Look at her word choice, and her grammar - especially her grammar, as a revision on that will make a better poem.


Jim Bouder, "America"
Whenever a poet decides to write about real issues going on in the world today, a reader gives a certain respect. Jaim wrote about America, and how it has changed over the last five years, from what it did, to what it didn't do, to now what it can, and can't do. Jim's poem is angry. The narrator is angry at America for what it's become, and sometimes it's nice for a reader to read the words they couldn't say. I liked how Jim took an influence from his favorite author and decided to write about something like this. It's not everyday that a person stands up and let's the world know how they feel about America. It's like a silent agreement between everyone in America to not speak bad about it. But Jim doesn't care, and that shows real courage. The one thing I dislike about this poem is the length. This is a poem, not a story, and the longer a poem gets, the more boring it gets.

Joann Adamczyk, "The Commons"
Joann's poem is very intriguing. When a reader first reads this, they believe it could be in a setting near a jailyard. However, after Jackie explains, a reader finds out that this poem is actually set of a college campus. I would make that more clear in the poem. I did however, enjoy the somewhat frightful relevance to a halloween night. It gives this poem suspense, which something that every reader should experience.

Clare McCauley, "Taking a Sit in the Park"
Best thing about Clare's poem: personification. I love how she gives these bugs real life! Her choice of words were good for this poem too, like "devouring" and "buffet". It just gives these bugs that much more realistic features. One thing I did not like about this poem, is the fourth stanza. It's in the middle of poem, and it suddenly switches from the poet talking about the bugs, to the poet talking to the bugs, and there is no transition to help the reader understand.


Sam Weber, Untitled Poem
There is not alot of poet's who write a poem in complaints, which is why I enjoyed Sam's untitled poem. He talks about his bad days and how he has the worst luck in the world everyday. The repitition used at the end of each stanza is a nice reminder to a reader that this particular character does not enjoy his life. I also enjoyed the meatphor used with the cancer patient. I would always title y poem, however. This poem is nice, but titleless, and it gives the reader a sense that this poet does not know where he wants this poem to go.

Jackie Quattrochi, "Those People"
Jackie's poem is very refreshing. Alot of people do not like to sterotype, or even think that sterotype exists, so for Jackie to write about such an issue that people tend to avoid, is nice. I liked that Jackie decided to write about the people that we know, but don't pay much attention too. Everyone likes to write about the poor, or people that serve in war, but Jackie's takes it a step further and writes about the people that we always see, but never take the time to get to know. One place of revision for Jackie and this poem is her transitions. She goes from "you" to "we" to "us" and it's very confusing for a reader to understand who or what she is talking about.

Tracy Madrid, "Liquid Soul"
Tracy's poem "Liquid Soul" was very enjoyable. The theme of the poem in general is very orginial, however with the word choice that Tracy used, the becomes more interesting and fulfilling to read. For example, words such as "transcending" and "astral" are hardly ever used in poems, rarely ever heard of. Tracy uses these words however, so carefully, and it makes her poem that much more intriguing to a reader. The one thing that I dislike about Tracy's poem is that I don't believe that the title fits the actual poem. For example, the poem is titled "Liquid Soul", and to a reader who has not the poem yet, that might mean that the girl's soul is shattered, broken. However, after a reader reads the poem, he or she realizes that the girl's soul is fixed, and she's finally met her happiness. So if there was anything to change about this poem, it would be the title because as a reader, I don't think it matches with the poem itself.

Kenneth Seivers, "A Moment N Ur Eyes"
Kenneth's poem was very interesting. It takes a reader a minute to grasps what he's actually saying, but we get the idea. A few things I liked about Kenny's poem was the fact that he used art in his poem. He just seems like the artistic person, so I thought it was nice to see him portray that in his poem. I also enjoyed the connection he made between the boy and girl and how all they had to do was look in each other's eyes, and they would get lost. The word choice is excellent. An area of revision I would offer would be the "slang" that Kenny seems to endeavor and enjoy so much. It's not professional in any type of way, and it makes the poet look tacky.

Rhiannon Feehly, "Mystery of the Season"
Rhiannon's poem was enjoyable to read. I loved how she related it to a boy and a girl, and the homecoming dance all the while she could have talking easily about her own life. Her word choice was good, and the title being used in the poem itself was a clever idea. One area of revision I would recommend would be to consider the age group she wants to talk about. For example, in one stanza she talks about the children, and in the next stanza she's talking about the homecoming court. The homecoming court is talked about for a good period of time while the children seem to be left in the dust, and that might be a little confusing to the reader.

Aliza's review of Joann's poem/Jim's story

Joann: The Commons

In Joann’s The Common’s I envision the courtyard of a college campus, where the silent calm of night conceal an act of brutality seen only by the poem’s omniscient narrator. I like the initial description and the image of a lamppost fracturing the bench upon which it’s light strikes, but I think the description and message get’s a bit muddled towards the end and the “screams” mentioned abruptly in the final line left me feeling unresolved. Also, I think that the two rhyming lines seem a bit out of place if the pattern isn’t going to be continued throughout the poem.

Jim: A Morning in Tangiers

In Jim’s story Abe Wellington wakes up to another fine morning in Tangiers (of course—Jim loves Ginsberg and I love Jim), except for some inexplicable reason Abe feels that this day is different from any other he has experienced during his last 43 years in Morocco. At first Abe sort of ignores the peculiarity of the day, going about his mundane, yet sort of quirky, rituals, but eventually whatever this curious force is compels Abe to reveal his long held secret--what brought him to Tangiers (running from the “man”, capital M, after killing a man, lower case m, in self defense)—to his friends. I liked this story and the imagry/description—the book collection, the Rimbaud quote, the handmade rug, Abe’s sexual exploits and waning charm, etc.-- made it feel personal and authentic. But I’m not sure how I feel about Abe’s story—I guess it just seemed sort of outlandish to me (but conventionally outlandish, if that makes sense) and in a way negated the authenticity I felt in the beginning. I feel like I either want his reason for leaving to be way more extreme or way more ordinary. Maybe he spent his young adult life trying to track down this beat up original copy of The Dharma Bums that had been inadvertently sold at a tag sale, a journey that lead him Tangiers where he finds…[insert poignant self reflexive insight here]

Or maybe he’s in Tangier’s for reasons that involve a goat, a limbless contortionist, a rare, geographically displaced Malaysian brindle-backed fly, and one of the sexy ladies he shacked up all those years ago, who may or may not have in fact been a man.

Okay, maybe not. Whatever works. If you do keep it as is I’d say the only revision that you might consider is to the last line….it’s too abrupt and impersonal, it takes the reader out of the Café Del Mar Tarifa—think you should end on a scene/image.

Aliza's review of Jaime's short story/poem, Joann's poem, and Jim's short story

Aliza's review of Jaime's short story/poem, Joann's poem, and Jim's short story

Jaime: Ambivalence

In Jamie’s story “Ambivalence” a young female describes her ambivalence to the world, her peers, and herself in the context of her current life, attending community college and interacting with her family. The story closes as the main character makes tells of her plans to run away—an “finite” action that diverges from her indecisive and apathetic behavior and attitude described in the body of the text. This story is really promising. The character’s sardonic wit is excellently and authentically written. I love the section in which she describes her family ---“and by doing laundry I mean trolling facebook…” “My step-dad, Joe, actually isn't that bad; he and I are maintaining our over five-year silence.”—and actually made me laugh out loud. Her family life is actually pretty sad, but the main character doesn’t present it in a self-pitying or trying to be poignant sort of way. Her no bullshit approach to the world makes her semi-unlikable character actually pretty endearing. I think in terms of revision, Jaime might want to go back and fine tune some sections, like the second paragraph, where I think the overall message is good but the sentence structure is a bit awkward. This is an awesome start and I’m excited to see how the character plays out.—does she follow through with running away? If so where does she go? If not does she find a way to awaken herself to the world/ever overcome her ambivalence? All and all great stuff!

Jaime: “Productive Member of Society”

Initially I thought that the narrator of this poem had been involuntarily committed, and maybe that’s the case, but after reading it again I think it may be broader/less concrete than that. I guess to me this poem is about an individual’s inability to reconcile herself with her society and the expectations that it has imposed upon her (or him…but I’m assuming it’s a her). I love line’s 6-9, particularly “But they won, I'm fixed.That's what they told me.I'm better.Because that's what they told me. The narrator is clearly lieing through her teeth or lieing to herself and either way it’s erie in a very effetive way. I think for revision I’d focus on lines 2-4, which seem a bit less crisp than the rest of the poem. Also, I think you should expand on the “looking glass” reference because right now it seems a little unclear. Is the narrator the oyster, who in blindly following the walrus and the carpenter (i.e. conforming- being “shoved into my mold”) has been victimized (i.e. deadened to the world) even an even greater extent. Or are those lines simply implying the narrators opinion that living happily, but in a delusion is better than living miserably in a reality?

last crit holla! jaime aliza and tracy's short stories

Aliza – Mouse Story
I love this story. This vignette is about Lydia, a loner girl who lives with other female roommates that she doesn’t seem very connected to. She is struggling to have a meditative night at home, but has this mouse to deal with. In the story she feels for the mouse and begins to transfer her emotions to the pseudo pet. The inner monologues are a really special touch and I like how they are set away from the other text on the page. In revision I’d recommend that we are shown the dynamic between Lydia and her mother. There is obviously tension between the women, and I like how it is being touched on so far, and I think it should continue to be a subtle development, but we definitely need to know more.
Tracy- oubliette
This story is about a woman exacting revenge on the priest who molested her son. This molestation led to the boys’ eventual suicide. I can feel the pain of the main character, and I can tell Tracy really got into the role. It’s evident that she can relate to this mothers pain and I think this adds credibility to the piece. Kudos on specificity. That being said, we definitely feel the mothers pain and the violence she inflicts on the priest is a huge part of that understanding for us, but it lasts an awfully long time. I know this would not be a slow event by any means in real life, but I feel like the violence in the work threatens to overpower the actual sentiment behind it.
Jamie- Ambivalence
To start, I like that we can see theme’s in Jaime’s work. They see often to be about feeling unsettled and unsatisfied with the way life is panning out so far, like the characters are always in a state of limbo. I think that’s neat, especially considering all our assignments were so different but all Jaime’s works relates to each other. Any who’s, this piece is about a girl who doesn’t have much direction in life, doesn’t like this fact, and wants someone to take control for her. She makes what might be her first assertive action: the decision to move, or run away. I think all this back story is great and actually necessary for us to understand who this girl is and why she is going to take this journey (I love the description of her family) … but now we need to know what happens next. She could not run away; this title leads me to think she might not care enough to actually follow through. Or she does, but how does it change her? Or how does staying home change her? Does she find happiness or become increasing depressed?

clare's crit of mary, joann, and jim short stories

Mary- the education of Mary
This is a nice little autobio of Mary and the struggles she faced earlier in her life. I appreciate the significance that these experiences had for Mary, but I’m not sure it’s a short story; to me it feels more like a post dated diary entry. I’d recommend picking one part of this 5 year sum up to work off of. I’m intrigued by what happened when she became determined and “put up and shut up.” I feel like it’s likely that it was during this time that she learned the lessons she gives thanks for in the final paragraph. Also, show us that you learned these lessons by describing events and showing us that something has changed before and after. Simple generic sentences simply don’t have the heart to convey such deep life lessons.
Joann - Torn Apart
This is a simple story about a complicated situation. Too simple. A woman is bringing her daughter back from a visit with her ex-husband whom she still loves. On the train the daughter asks the difficult question: why can’t we stay with daddy? And the mother responds with a simple explanation suitable for a small child, and then cries thinking about her lost love. The interaction between the mother and daughter is fairly realistic, though I find it hard to believe the little girl is so well behaved, I don’t think that is what is important to the story. It could be the same story without the daughter, because it’s really about the woman and her feelings about her ex-husband, regardless of the child they share. The daughter just makes it harder because she has to see her ex more often which makes it harder to forget her love. I think what this story is missing is real emotion. It’s simply too simple. Give the woman some depth of character; maybe make her not so sappy for her ex, something to give the story some pizzazz.
Jim – a Morning in Tangiers
This is a story about a couple ex-pat friends chillin in Tangiers, drinking in the morning (cos that’s what they do) and generally enjoying their self imposed exile in a lovely climate. One of the guys, Abe, decides today is the day he’s finally going to tell his friends what brought him to Tangiers (that is that he killed a man in self defense). Jim has it down with making us feel like we understand Abe Wellington. He is a man of routine, this one wacky thing happened and changed his life, but still, he’s a man of routine. I love all the details from his shaving ritual, to their same café, food order, drink order etc. But the only thing that bugs me about this work is the last line. I just feel like it’s kind of a cop out. “similar stories of adversity and tribulations?” come on Jim, I know you know you wanted to tell us what Abe’s friends got into, what crazy stunt they pulled that made them run off to Tangiers. Tell us! Don’t worry about page length! Let us into their heads and their daily life like you helped us get into Abe’s! I look forward to it.

clare's crit of kenny, jackie, sam short stories

Kenny’s – My Daddy’s Cologne
I really like the idea behind this piece: that this young boy is remaining attached to his walk-out dad through the cologne he left behind. Throughout the piece Kenny paints each scene with finesse. One of Kenny’s strengths is definitely his word play. I like the hope the kid maintains to meet his dad, and the unorthodox daydream of his dad catching him shoplift. What confuses me is the perspective jumping around, it seems like the boy is suddenly skipping from a young teen to a baby, but the voice stays the same. It’s unrealistic as a baby. Or if it is just a really funky baby that’d be cool too (totally awesome actually), but then we wouldn’t need the 2nd and final paragraph. Also, some anachronisms are bothersome, it’s supposed to be 1955 but the kid eats fruit roll ups, sgetti o’s and wears a barney t shirt? That’s stuff is really easy to cleanup though and a simple mistake to make. Also, in my opinion, the scatological stuff is kind of gross.
Jackie’s – stubborn 50 mile trail
I get the feeling that this is somewhat autobiographical. The premise of this story is that there is this girl whose bf is going on this long bike ride with his friend and she wants to be included. She doesn’t really think this decision through, but is too stubborn to back out on her commitment. Along the way she bitches and moans but gets through it but in the end it was worth it... but why was it worth it. What made it worth it? Why would she never do something like that again? My suggestion is to make the ending more momentous, even if it strays from real life. Make it realistic, definitely, but make something bigger happen. I mean she just has this huge accomplishment and all she gets is a kiss? I like that her boyfriend turns around snaps on her for her complaining in the last paragraph, that might be a good place to start. It just ends so abruptly and I feel unsatisfied.
Sam - playing dangerously
One thing before I begin on content: use spell check. I found the grammar and spelling issues really distracting, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one. Okay so yea, the story is about 2 kids who are really bored and go explore this old warehouse. They go in and do typical boy stuff like breaking windows and whatever, but don’t realize someone is there. They get caught by this crazy old man who apparently lives there and scares them out of the place. I feel like I saw this on an episode of “Are you Afraid of the Dark?” It’s a clever enough story idea, and I like the way you describe the old man especially, but the story doesn’t go anywhere. They get off scot free, and what have they learned? Just don’t go to that place anymore but every other creepy old warehouse is fair game? I don’t buy it. Describe the kids fear with the detail you apply to old man and the disintegrating building and you’d be onto something. Fear can be interesting. Fear can make people do things.
Also, stop cussing so much in your work goddammit

clare's crit of aliza, ben, jamie poems <3

Aliza – seeing you always makes me think of pea plants and errant knights
I love the allusions to literature and science:) The first line draws me in right away. I like that the poem is referring to specific quotes and memories the mother and daughter share and while the audience may not understand the content and context of these conversations, we understand their intent in the poem. Like she wants to show us the random, assertive, unconventional-ness of these women, which is endearing, but also seems a bit sad. Like the women are lost in their own imaginative, quirky world. I don’t know if these women really are insane or if the daughter is trying to release herself from her mother’s behavior (Rocinante is now far too frail / to carry both of us) Disloyalty is brought up at the beginning and the end, and I don’t know to what this refers. To whom are these women disloyal? Themselves? Each other? I’d like this to be clear.
Ben – his mile
This poem made me kind of goosebumpy, which is a good thing. It made me uncomfortable because, of course, we have all been in this situation, and some days we roll our window down, and some days we don’t, but don’t really take it the step further and think about how this impacts the man on the street. I like that we are confronted with this awkward process. I like that Ben describes this decision making moment with the word fear. What do we have to be afraid of all safe and warm in our cars? But it’s true, it is fear that we feel if we make eye contact with the homeless man. I’d like him to build on this moment. Ben describes the man as starved injured wolf, a creature that could easily turn violent and dangerous. Is this accurate? It can be, but I want to see this developed, it could definitely relate to the fear we feel.
Jamie – a productive member of society
I like that this poem says one thing but means another. I like the lines “living only to dream/ of not having to dream” which makes me think that perhaps this person was very depressed by the real world. It seems to me like they were institutionalized against their own will, and I interpret it this way because the attitude about being “fixed” seems sarcastic and in the end the person still describes themselves as chaos. “That’s what they told me” makes me think that she doesn’t really believe anything has changed, but she will smile and nod if it will allow her to be free. I think she doesn’t mind so much being chaos. The only thing I can come up with to consider in revision (I really like this piece) is making the title match the poem. You don’t refer in the poem at all to being “a productive member of society” and I don’t see that intent in the poem… the person doesn’t get “fixed” and then go join society again, or if they do, we don’t see it. So yea… change the title… maybe. Or don’t. But I wouldn’t change the actual poem.

clare's reviews of Joann, Jim, Mary poems

Joann- the Commons
This poem makes me visualize a little park nestled in the center of a cul-de-sac or something similar. Something sinister is happening in the neighborhood on this night and the sleeping residents remain oblivious. I wish it was clearer what this evil act is because the last line comes as a real shock. The neighborhood is peaceful to this point and I was anticipating a more innocent ending. Was a person killed, a woman raped, a baby kidnapped? Or was an animal simply run over in the road? I may also rethink the tempo of the stanzas, I don’t think it is necessary for there to be any breaks.
Jim- America
I like the direction of this piece. It’s like a love letter, a protest, a resignation all in one. Jim obviously is very passionate about America and it’s problems at the moment and I love that he is being topical and including specifics, (Gibson, Phelps, pharmaceuticals, insurance companies etc). I also like that he makes the poem personal, “when will you look at me as more than just a man in a wheelchair?” but the transition between the rant against America: the abstract and America: the relationship with this specific person is a bit rough. I feel like there is enough here for 2 separate but similar, maybe partner poems. One about America and how it’s systems are all f’ed up and one about how they systems have specifically f’ed over this person and how he is disappointed and hurt and tired. Just say’n.
Mary – Free
This seems to be a poem about craving freedom, trying to escape from the daily grind. The Meadowlark is calling out for help and the Swallow is responding, showing the Meadowlark there is freedom, presumably in the sky. I was confused by the hyphens, I read it as “deep-chipmunks” the first time for example. Mary did tell us the first day of class that she like to use the page and make the poem a visual experience as well and I can see that influence here. My favorite line is “there is so MUCH expectant hush in the valley.” I’m not sure I got the message of this poem right, and I get lost in the middle part which seemed kind of fluffy, so I guess my suggestion is to make the intention less abstract.

clare's crits of rhiannon, amber, bens short story

Night Time with Daddy
This one is a nostalgic story about a girl missing her dead father. Her mother doesn’t want to “live in the past” so the girl feels guilty about spending time at her father’s grave on his birthday. I wonder why the girl kept wanting to cry but wouldn’t? How old is this person? She has a daughter but her mother is still driving her around? She refers to him at father the whole story except the beginning and end, there is a discrepancy with the tone of daddy and father. “Daddy“ is more small child, and “father” has a more formal and mature tone.

Mama
A woman is on her deathbed, it is winter, and she is thinking of her mother who is already gone and how she didn’t like winter. I think this is supposed to be a foreshadowing of the woman’s upcoming death. The woman with cancer says she can’t take the pain any more, but you don’t see this pain in her voice, I think that struggle could be made more evident. I like the part where the woman (ruth/Olivia gets her first morphine drip and passes into a fully realized memory with her mother and winter. It’s like as much as her mom wants to protect her, she can’t, and now she still has to die. I think the story could use a focus, maybe one strong clear memory that runs throughout a few sort of formed flashbacks.

Checkers
I like the concept of this story, it has humor to it. I like how Ben led us into the story, I had a visual from a movie of zooming through the treetops, down the side walk, checking out picnics and dogs, passing a smiling guard, and stopping right at the checkers table. A voice over : 14yr old Timmy Lorenzo! CHECKERS CHAMP! and then a flashback to his childhood. Good set up. Throughout the story Ben provides good dialogue and action so we really get to know Timmy’s attitude. The only thing I’d change is the ending and how it’s all warm and fuzzy and reminds me of a fable. I’d prefer a bit of an unexpected twist that would maybe bring the old Timmy back to the surface. Maybe it’s just me.

Jackies summary/ review of the A Long Way Gone speaker Ishmael Behia
I felt that the speaker of A Long Way Gone was the best speaker CCBC has had in a very long time. Ishmael kept me interested in everything he spoke about, just as his book had. It was really great hearing Ishmael explain parts of his book in more detail. Just the fact that he was aboy soldier addicted to many drugs and had his entire family killed is amazing enough but have him come speak at our school is even more incredible. It was really interesting to hear him speak of his first experiences in America. i thought it was funny when he said that his uncle and him could only come up with the explanation for running water being someone inbetween the walls feeding water everytime someone turned the knob to a sink. It was amazing to hear taht when he went to school all the chidlren had to share ink out of a pen so they could write. I found him inspirations, especially at the end of his speaking when he told us to be greatful for being able to recieve an education, because a lot of time time, where he is from, people do not have the chance to get an education, but they want it so bad, but here we dont even want to go to school. I had a great time lsitening to Ishmael Behai speak and i hope he will come back soon to speak again. Maybe next time he could even sign some books.

Jackie Review on Tracy's short story Tracy did a great job of making the audience feel her grief anf pain in this short story with the loss of the central characters son. Writing descriptions expliang how she stayed in bed for months and how her son was her life and how great there relationship was really gives the audience a great feeling of how the central character felt. The idea of Tracy's poem was great, and when the central character found out about the preist who molested her son, i think everyone could feel the anger and pain the central character felts, and it set up a great story for revenge. The only suggestions i would have for tracy is to tone the story down a bit. Some parts of the story towards the end were a little much for me too read, but at the same time, the idea of revenge probably wouldnt have been as powerful, i would have just been okay with less detail, but overall it was a great theme for a short story.

Jackie's review on Jaime's short story
I really enjoyed reading Jaime's story because i really felt i could relate to it, or i could really picture Jaime being the central character. The idea of a girl who is just floating through the ways of life, not trying to make a statement, btu at the same time not trying to hide. i really enjoyed all the little hidden remarks one gets from the central character and how she feels about other people tht surround her. I also really enjoyed how the story ended, it left the reader wanting to read much more, and find out what else was going to happen. The only suggestions i would have for Jaime would be to give a little more closure to the story so the reader knows more about the character and what happens when she runs away, and so that the reader isnt left hanging.

Jackie's Review on Becca Short story
I really enjoyed reading Becca's short story. I felt that meeting up with someone the central character used to be in a relationship with and still had some feelings for is a good idea for a story. I felt Becca should have gave the audience so more idea of what the guy in the story was thinking or felt, maybe give him more diolgue. I really enjoyed how the audience expects the central character to want to go home with this guy, or wants to get back with him, but Becca does not take this typical route for her character. It was unexpected, and i liked that about her story. the only suggestions i have for Becca would to be add more to the story to give the reader some more idea of why the central character was back in town and what she expected to get out of meeting with and old fling. Over all i really liked the short story and felt Becca did a great job with writing it.