review for nicki

In Nicki’s untitled short story, Jared takes a drug called Black Market Blood which involves slicing open his palm. He becomes addicted. Within, 6 months he is dealing the drug, selling to young users. The story is unfinished and doesn’t really have an ending but takes us into the life the dealer and explains the process of taking BMB. I thought the story had a lot of rich details which display knowledge of the psychology of a dealing drug addict. She speaks of a burning sensation very vividly in paragraph four she says “The fire crept up through his body, tensing each of his muscles as the flames enveloped him.” I think this a very effective use of language and I think when tapping into the mind of an addict it important to articulate the high they get upon dosing. I also like how the final paragraph displays Jared as a hypocrite because he is disgusted by the young addict who takes the BMB in the middle of the street. As much as this repulses Jared, he is can’t help but cave in to his addiction and also cut himself in the middle of the street. I think for revision Nicki should try and finish the story, because this is definitely an interesting start. Also I think she could perhaps describe the personal habits of Jared a little more because at this point all we know is that he has been addicted to BMB for six months and is now peddling it. I want to see if Jared has anybody he cares about and how their relationship has changed since he started using and whether or not it has affected him at work. I think a little more character development could go a long way here.

Alana Roach’s Crirtique of Nicki’s “C’mon man, give it a try”

Alana Roach’s Crirtique of Nicki’s “C’mon man, give it a try”

This short story takes place in an alley way. The main character Jared gets addicted to this BMB drug, and ends up selling it to support his habit.

I think this did a good job of describing an active addiction. Her action scenes were written well, and I think she captured the mind set perfectly.

I wish that it was longer. I wish I got more of a description of Jared. How he grew up. Where he lived, etc.

Alana Roach’s critique of Ameena’s Praying and Plotting

Alana Roach’s critique of Ameena’s Praying and Plotting

This was a short story that takes place in a funeral home. Carroll is the widow of Michael, and is consoling his Mother while she takes pride in the fact that she (Carroll) murdered him justifiably (or so she thinks). She gets arrested in the end of the story.

I like the concrete details in this. Small concrete details like the line in the 3^rd paragraph , “She tried to hide her amusement as she smoothed out a wrinkle in her dress and continued rubbing the elderly woman’s back.” They really lend a strong feel to the story.

I would have liked more of the story. More of a feel for the woman Carroll’s personality.

Alana Roach’s critique of Ameena’s Praying and Plotting

This was a short story that takes place in a funeral home. Carroll is the widow of Michael, and is consoling his Mother while she takes pride in the fact that she (Carroll) murdered him justifiably (or so she thinks). She gets arrested in the end of the story.

I like the concrete details in this. Small concrete details like the line in the 3^rd paragraph , “She tried to hide her amusement as she smoothed out a wrinkle in her dress and continued rubbing the elderly woman’s back.” They really lend a strong feel to the story.

I would have liked more of the story. More of a feel for the woman Carroll’s personality.

mias story

New York City’s Skyline is a confessional piece about a wealthy young girl who wants to move to New York City. The story takes place on a hill where you could see the Baltimore city skyline where she has the realization that she has been doing everything that other people want her to do while doing nothing for herself. After a brief conversation with a police officer she decides it’s time for her to move to New York. I like the setting of the story and that there is a lot of confession within this story. I think it’s a great subject for a story. Everybody with demanding parents feels the need to break out from them. This is a story that will resonate with others. I like that Mia made the character drunk. Even though drunk driving is awful I think it makes the character seem more real because they have been given flaws. I think it is an issue however how quickly we are told that the main character is the daughter of wealthy CEO. I think it throws off the flow of the story. I think it could be twisted a little bit to make it flow better in the story. I think she might have wanted to describe the skyline and the setting a little more because it’s a little vague and difficult to get an image of what the character looks like.

review of meghans story

Meghan’s short story, Anna, is about a widower who is so emotionally disturbed by the death of his wife that he loses his job. He comes in contact via telephone with his dead wife’s mother. The man is reluctant to visit the wife because Anna, his deceased wife, said she was abusive. When he meets her, the mother tells the widower that she tried to protect Anna from her abusive father but for some reason Anna was a daddy’s girl and resented her mother for throwing out her husband after he hit her. I like that the story discusses the narrator’s emotions and ideas beyond just what they are doing. I think that makes the story more personal like your reading a journal entry. It gives us greater insight into whom the main character is as a person. However I think you could display this a little in more subtle manner. Instead of saying that he had a mental breakdown you could describe the real concrete things that happened to him during his mental breakdown. I think this is excellent subject matter for a short story because it is intense. I like that you include some information about the narrator’s daily routine. The description of his wife could possibly be toned down a little bit. All though I believe the dead wife was an excellent woman I think the descriptions of her are a little too fantastic for me. I think this short story could be edited for better character development.

taj review

Asphalt Gridiron is a first person narrative about a child hood football game in Texas. The kids in

The story play in the street and in the end the narrator’s team wins the game by a touchdown as the sun sets. This story is very detailed which I like a lot. Childhood stories are a great way to connect with the reader because most people feel very strongly about their child hood. Whether they look back on it fondly or whether they look back on it agony most people look back on their childhood. I don’t think there is anyone who honestly feels indifferent about their childhood. For reediting I would suggest removing some of the metaphors he used in the story. I have nothing against the metaphors in and of themselves but in my opinion most metaphor in fiction just feels a little campy. I would also try to explain why this particular game was important to the character. I think there needs to be further character development in the story.

review of ameena

Ameena’s story, Praying and Plotting, tells the story of a woman named Carrol who murders her husband and is arrested at his funeral. She has little remorse for her deed but will have to face the law. Ameenas story has good subject matter and is written in a clear matter. She has included some good details like here. The moment of her following the pallbearers outside is told well. I think what ameena could do for revision is use more particular words for example instead of saying “Midwestern town” she could name a town in the Midwest. Instead of saying “food-filled dish” you could say “spaghetti filled dish” or some other particular food. This is a good plot for a story but i want the characters to be developed further so I can care more about whether or not they live or die, cry or smile, or go to jail or get beaten. I think this story needs to be longer in order to make the story more powerful.

Reviews for this week.

Mia:

What it’s about: a drunken night where she goes to look at a skyline. She realized that she is trapped in her parents plan and decides to move to New York.

What I like:

- Background

- interest

- Setting/plot

Things to consider

- Add more to her point of change, too easy.

- Explain more about the two contrasts (skylines)

- Add paragraphs!

I really like this a lot! Good job! J

Reig:

What it’s about: A man who is dating his teacher. The fear that the teacher has about him going away to West Virginia University.

What I like:

- The Twist at the end

- The plot

- The emotion used throughout the story

Things to consider:

- Adding more scenes

- Setting a faster pace

- Giving more background as you go along

- What was your change?

I love how this is different from all of the other short stories we read. It is serious but funny at the same time. It stands out and I really love that about it. Good job! J

Jenel

What it’s about: A women who is being physically abused by her husband. She is in the process of standing up for herself and leaving.

What I like:

- The plot

- Her bravery and how you can see Daphne’s emotions easily

- The name Daphne! J

Things to consider:

- Adding more background on her brother.

- More about her husband

This gave me chills! It is such a good story, you are so creative. I want to read

Dennis Johnson

 Critique of Mia’s poem

 This poem was written with a lot of passion and conviction that came across very honest down to earth real and easy to relate to. I really didn’t feel the title because it didn’t capture for me all the gut wrenching emotions that were displayed. The author has a certain wit about herself that translates to her poetry that gives it a very inquisitive factor. Or in plain language, it makes me want to read and be taken away with the words. Poetry that I find easy to relate is usually those that have an unapologetic voice for whatever the subject matter. That confidence (which is also intertwined with vulnerability) is very attractive. For example, if I was having a great day, or if I was having awful day, strong words formed together have the capability to change that instantly. I really like how the poem continues, pass the required amount of words that define a poem. I found that poems of greater length separate the range on different authors. Although less can be more, my favorite’s poets had a lot to say and appeared without a platform to display it. I was reading Maya Angelou yesterday, and I was surprised with some of the similarities. She also has a very distinctive voice, but her poems usually entail a solution and that is where you differ. (At least in this piece). That suggestion alone sums up my overall take on where it is coming from and where it needs to go. My ear was fine tuned for the range of emotions that were sympathetic, as well as empathetic, intoxicating joy and  seductive hopeless. Don’t lose that touch – the ability to connect.

Dennis Johnson

 Critique of Jenel’s poem With Wild Abandon

The poem leads into an imaginary scene that I built up in my mind of the author literally working on a damn. She illustrates how tedious the labor is, and in turn how it has taken a toll on her because the effort she has put in. It gives very strong descriptive word and has a poetic flow that is easy to read, but more important build a scene. The author begins the second stanza with “I carved out my new shelter in the desert”, and although I was not completely sure at the time what it meant, I liked it. It is that kind of language that makes the poem cohesive. At that time I also got the impression that she is referring to something else, but was not totally sure. The thought did run through mind that the labor in which she writes of maybe a relationship of some sort. I spent more time concentrating on what exactly is trying to convey to the reader with the line “the incessant effort to keep building up the grade.” The very next line makes a clear reference to her life spring, and at this point I am pretty sure that the poem is romantic in nature. It could be a metaphor about God as well, but my intuition leans me toward a past lover. I also like the smile she used “two nights ago my levee sprang a leak. She sums up the poem with a wonderful metaphor- dealing with natural disaster. The poem obvious has a lot of depth, and can easily be appreciated on so many different levels. My one suggestion: at the end of the poem, I could not say with an absolute surety that she experienced love, things fell apart and now she is alone to repair the damage. That’s what I’m thinking, but I would prefer a little more insight to be able to say my hunch is correct. 

Critique of Reig's Poem

Sitting and Thinking is a poem about the author simply observing his surroundings at night while on a laptop. The style is written in prose. The beginning starts off the poem in concrete language, but then finishes in a more abstract way.

I think what this poem does right is its concrete language. A poem is often hazy, and you can get lost, but in this case, it was very easy to feel grounded in the environment that was written for us. My only complaint is that this wasn’t followed through for the entire poem.

The only other criticism I have, and this is, to me, the most important, is that the poem is written in prose. It barely feels like a poem because of this. This is something I would expect to find in a short story, not a poem. The language doesn’t even come across as poetic. This is especially apparent because of the use of punctuation and lack of grammatical errors.

All in all, I think it’s important that you extend your concrete language into the second half of the poem and break down the poem into more fragments and poetic language.

Critique of Taj's Poem

Taj’s Poem, Museless, is a nine line poem about writer’s block. The first stanza is the introduction of the writer’s block, the second stanza is a look back to days when the author was more able, and the last stanza is a return to the writer’s block. The writing is very pleasant to read, utilizing alliteration and some more exotic language.

My first thoughts were that this poem is the product of a writer, not simply a student. The use of alliteration, clever utilization of the number nine, and et cetera was more than proof enough.

However, and this may be my only criticism, though it borders on simply difference in opinion of the style used, a poem about writer’s block is kind of paradoxical if the writing is good. What I would do is use weaker words in the first and last stanzas, but then transition into good writing into the second, then fade out. This might emphasize the subject even more.

Over all, this is a good poem, but I think it can be carved a little more. My suggestion is purely stylistic, but I think the words in the last two lines can be dumbed down a little bit. They’re over-the-top in an almost trying-to-be-fancy way. Good job!