Rhiannon’s poem, “Mystery of The Seasons,” depicts the shifting of the seasons, reflected not only in her natural surroundings, but also in the interactions of people with their environment and with one another. The poem consists of 14 couplets, containing rhymes and off rhymes.
The poem’s transitions from season to season flowed really nicely. I think it could have easily appeared choppy, but her smooth rhythm and syntax present the reader with a sense of circularity (appropriate to the imagery) that is very tangible. I think this fluidity is particularly apparent in the line “Snowmen made from garden gnomes,” which I think works well. To me the poem’s seasonal referenced reflected themes of time, life, and death. And in that context I enjoyed the open-endedness of the final line, “the mystery of the season will again unfold.” It reminded me of sections of Dickinson’s “Immortality,” in which she also analogizes the life cycle to natural process of birth, death, and rebirth. Although many contemporary poets tend to stay away from the more ridged forms of classic poetic structure, particularly rhyme/couplets, I enjoy this style and appreciated it in Rhiannon’s poem. (Rhiannon-If you’re not already familiar with Edna St. Vincent Millay, you should read some of her poetry, I think you’d enjoy it).
I think that in terms of revision, I would suggest reworking some of the language, for instance the line “The boy will choose a girl to court.” Though this is definitely a stylistic choice that I can appreciate, I feel that it might come off a bit antiquated. I would enjoy seeing more references, even subtle ones, to what the mystery of the season is. I think you also might consider putting a little more of yourself into this poem, making it more personal so that the reader has something more substantial to relate to .
Kenneth
Kenneth’s poem is a passionate ode to a love, one that refuses to reciprocate the narrator’s affection. I enjoyed Kenneth’s rhythm and it’s almost lyrical quality reminiscent of “beat” poetry. My favorite line was “Long, long ago and stories unwritten, when poetry was motion,” which I think reflects, intentionally or unintentional, the aesthetic of the beat and BAM movements. In terms of revision, I would suggest that Kenneth try to avoid certain phrases that when over used can sound cliché, for instance, “No pain, no gain,” etc.
Tracy: Liquid Soul
Liquid Soul is a love poem, in which Tracy uses terrestrial and cosmological imagery and metaphors to elucidate the love’s emotional intensity and often seemingly curative power. There were some very vivid lines in the poem that were spot on in conveying this theme. I thought the best section were lines 11-14, where Tracy writes, “that fullness of the heart, forcing it to expand, the only material holding the viscera, is the skin.” Her word choice is great, almost brutal, and it conjures up a similarly gruesome mental image to encapsulate that inexplicable, indescribable torturous elation that love so often prompts. There’s definitely an abundance of good descriptive imagery, but given that most of what is being described is very conceptual I think that adding some concrete elements (setting, maybe where you are as your thinking about this/what triggers these thoughts) would really fortify the poem and make the imagery even more powerful. I also think that lines 1-6, in which Tracy describes “this word” that is overused and thus devalued, could use a bit of finessing. I understand what she is trying to say, but I think she either needs to be a bit more exact in how she says it or show it instead of explaining it. Overall, I thought it was a great read.
Amber: Sitting in Stillness
Sitting in Stillness portrays a fragment scene of a woman, presumably a battered wife, awaiting her husband’s return (from some unmentioned place). I thought the simplicity of this poem was both a redeeming and divisive quality. On the one hand, I think that the clipped lines create a kind of cold, brusque tone, which goes well with the initially stoic characterization of the female protagonist (are they’re protagonists in poetry? I don’t know, but anyway…). On the other hand, the minimalism makes the poem seem sort of vague/irresolute. I like what Amber has right now, but I think it would definitely benefit from some details, even ones that might seem tangential (like how the ground feels under her feet as they’re flatly planted on it, or the way the edges of her wedding photo have begun to curl with age and humidity, etc.)--Anything to give the reader a real sense of who this woman and how she perceives her world.
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