Carr's Review of Sam's Poems 9/24

To: Sam
From : Carr
Re: “Done Yet” (?)
Same,
You’ve chosen a subject here – the drudgeries of our day to day existence, that is an excellent one for a poem. And you’ve attempted to use some comparisons along the way to make us see and feel your pain more: “fly on a web has more time to waste”, “a wagon has more luxuries”, “a slave spends less time working”, “a cancer patient has more luck.” It’s a good idea to use metaphors, so that’s a nice effort.
OK. That said, your poem will gain strength from being more specific. Right now you try to cover the whole day, but I suggest that you focus on one part of the day and write a poem about that. By making your focus smaller, you will be able to show the reader your world in more detail. You will be able to connect with us more.
A second thing to consider are the comparisons themselves. Right now those aren’t specific enough to make much impact, primarily because they are general, bordering on cliché. So when you look for images to use as metaphors, look to your own life, to things you think would be cool to describe or compare. In addition, watch for hyperbole in a piece like this. Saying that a “cancer patient” or “slave” have it better than you is ridiculous – and sounds more like whining than anything real. We all have it hard in life, so what do you want to say about that quality? There’s a good subject there for exploration, but you’ve got to move past the self pity for it to have resonance.
All right. Good luck with the revision here. Let me know if you have questions.