Carr's Review of Kenneth's Poems 9/17

To: Kenneth
From: Mr. Kizzier
Re: “A Moment N Ur Eyes”
Kenneth,
Clearly this is a love poem, and there are some things to work with here. I think the strength of the emotion is apparent in the poem, which is good, and I think you’ve chosen a metaphor that can work well here – the watercolor. That has a bunch of potential and I urge you to continue to use that. There are also a few lines that stand out to me. One is the question, “Can U (sic) draw a perfect circle?” I think that might work well as a first line. Another is “I miss staring…” That evokes a very simple but true sentiment and action that I think works really nicely.
OK. So there are some things to work on here as you revise. First of all, I think you would do well to tighten the focus here – and the use of the imagery. The watercolor stands out, but it is very nearly lost here in the jumble of all that accompanies it. So choose one dominant metaphor (I like the watercolor) and use that to its full potential.
The second thing to look at are the number of unclear lines here. This is the kind of poem that might sound good at times – the rhythm and sound of the words – but that often doesn’t make a lot of sense. A few examples are “”I’m not here to dry after a mistake”; “Starring I …the enveloped naked…”; “U lay wet descriptions to the canvas perversely.” I don’t know what any of those mean, and there are a number of other lines like those. Slow down, Kenneth. I think you should strive to bring this poem in under a page. That would be a good exercise in concision for you.
Finally, I don’t think the text language is working here. It doesn’t make sense in the context of the poem, and it is too random to convey deeper meaning. So stick with conventional spelling for this one.
All right. Good luck with revision. Let me know if you have questions.