Carr's Review of Jaclyn's Poems 9/24

To: Jaclyn
From : Carr
Re: “Those People”
Jackie,
The incidental people we have all encountered in our lives –and the impact they may or may not have had on our lives – is an excellent subject for a poem. You are exploring here one of the mysteries of our existence: why do certain people seem to come along at certain times – often at just the right time? Perfect subject for poetry to answer – because there is no way to answer that using everyday language.
OK. So with that kind of a subject, one that we can all relate to, I think the best avenue to take to connect with more people is to become as specific as possible. This might seem contradictory, but it seems to hold true. So what I suggest is that you tell write about a specific person you have known that has had an impact on your life. This is probably a person that you mostly forget, but something triggers a memory every now and again. So think about what that trigger is and write about the experience. That would be great.
Along the way you can use some metaphors to help you show the reader what you are experiencing. Right now you’ve got an interesting one in the lines about being “buried deep in the ground/Like memories buried deep into our minds”. You might want to use that image as a starting place, like maybe you are digging a hole in the backyard, or standing next to a hole looking in. Look at the poetry of Mary Oliver to see how she uses her observations of nature to spur other connections.
Finally, I think you would do well to look at some format and syntax here. Notice that every line has a comma at the end. Why? If you read it out loud that way, I think you’ll find that some of the commas take away from the flow – and that sometimes you should use a period. Punctuating poetry is not much – if any – different than punctuating prose. You would never write a sentence in an essay like one of these in your poem with that many commas. See what I mean?
All right. So keep looking at this one. It’s got tons of possibilities. Let me know if you have questions.
Good luck.