Jim's review of Sam Weber/Clare McCauley/Jaclyn Quattrochi

Sam Weber

Nice vivid and descriptive visual statements; I can really see everything you are trying to say: work boots staring at me, a fly on a web…, I jump into my tin can and floor it, sounds of hard work echoing. I get the feeling that this is someone waking up late for work, doesn’t have time to eat breakfast, rushes off to work to arrive late, busts his ass working and is rushing home only to be slowed by other drivers. I’m not sure if I agree with some of the lines you chose, particularly: a slave spends less time working & a cancer patient has more luck than me & a fly on a web has more time to waste, though not nearly as much as the first two. I’m sure someone could easily be offended by either one of those lines. The other line just doesn’t make much sense. I would change it to either a fly on a wall… or a spider on a web; I think that would make a little more sense. It actually interrupted me and I stopped reading to figure that one out. Another suggestion I have is to let the sentences flow longer than one line. Right now it just sounds so short and choppy because most of them are sentence fragments. I have one last possible suggestion, since it’s the end of the poem and, in essence, potentially the end of the day, have the last line read, “finally, the day is done.”

Clare McCauley

Very strong, descriptive visuals, even if they were a bit creepy. All I could see the whole time was an up close view of extremely unclean feet with dirty chunks of skin falling off and bugs eating it. Though I’m guessing it’s more along the lines of mosquitoes biting your feet and ankles while you’re wearing sandals in late summer. I’m not sure where you’re approaching this from. Are you friend to the mosquito and allowing him to drink your blood? I’m also not sure about the last few lines after feast. Are you diabetic, is that why your blood would be too sweet, leaving it sugar rushed? Is the “dream of pumpkin patches on the way” a hint at the approach of the fall? It’s a little unclear to me; perhaps I’m not getting the similes.

Jaclyn Quattrochi

Overall, your poem had good flow and consistency throughout. You never left me guessing with deceptive metaphors or similes. Your metaphors gave vision and meaning to what you were saying. The first six lines seem a little forced. They don’t seem to flow as well as the rest of the poem. I’d suggest either shortening the first metaphor to, like a motorcycle passes you or take it out altogether. I really liked the lines, “those people, they fade from our minds, as the sun fades from the sky desk.” It’s especially touching for someone older. I think if you used punctuation more, it would help the reader to be able to read the poem the way you want it to be read. By using periods, commas and semicolons, it forces the reader to pause or stop when you want them to. Good job overall!