Carr's Review of Tracy's Poems 9/17

To: Tracy
From: Carr
Re: “Liquid Soul”
Tracy,
You’ve got this love poem here with a great title, “Liquid Soul.” The words melt in your mouth, and the sentiments here are strong and charged. You begin by warning us not to treat this subject lightly, not to slip into cliché, and then you try to show what this means to you: “That fullness of the heart/Forcing it to expand/The only material holding the viscera/Is the skin.” That’s cool, a very vivid image.
OK. So the main thing I would suggest for this poem is more specific imagery of that sort. Right now you often slip into the general, even cliché. For example, you say, “Who know it is nothing to be taken for granted” in the second stanza. Instead, search for actions you can describe, like “Who know you can’t treat it like the gum wrapper you throw in the gutter.” That’s not a particularly good image, but maybe you get my drift. Look for images and actions that you can start using as comparisons (ie metaphors) for the ideas that you want to get across.
One place you might want to look for an extended metaphor is the planet reference you use on p. 2: “Our planets have gravitated together.” That might be the opening you need to use planet language throughout. There is tons of language in astronomy that would serve you very well here – after all, many of the planets are nothing more than masses of hot gas, constantly exploding, etc. See what I mean? They are more liquid than we normally think about, like liquid soul.
All right. So keep working on the language here. That’s where the poetry starts to unfold. Good luck and see me with questions.