Carr's Review of Amber's Poems 9/17

To: Amber
From: Carr
Re: “Untitled”
Amber,
This untitled poem is intriguing. The opening of the poem is very still and quiet, very grounded, and it’s not until the very end that the solidity breaks and the subject “slides to the floor.” I think that can work well, especially if you can maintain the quiet tone you have created here. Good work on that
OK. So there are some things to think about. First, I think you would do well here to include more imagery, more comparison in the form of metaphor and simile. Using images that the reader can relate to will help us connect with this woman more deeply, to feel her pain. It might even be possible to include hints of the abuse that jumps out at the end of the second section: “Beaten, battered, and bruised.”
In addition, I think the one thing missing in terms of development is the turning point, the trigger that send the woman sliding to the floor. Right now she is primarily described as strong: “feet flat on the floor;” “strong woman.” But then at the end all it takes is the sound of him at the door to crumble her. I think I’d like to have a hint of that fragility before this point.
All right. Good luck with this one. It’s got potential for sure. Let me know if you have questions.