Kenny’s – My Daddy’s Cologne
I really like the idea behind this piece: that this young boy is remaining attached to his walk-out dad through the cologne he left behind. Throughout the piece Kenny paints each scene with finesse. One of Kenny’s strengths is definitely his word play. I like the hope the kid maintains to meet his dad, and the unorthodox daydream of his dad catching him shoplift. What confuses me is the perspective jumping around, it seems like the boy is suddenly skipping from a young teen to a baby, but the voice stays the same. It’s unrealistic as a baby. Or if it is just a really funky baby that’d be cool too (totally awesome actually), but then we wouldn’t need the 2nd and final paragraph. Also, some anachronisms are bothersome, it’s supposed to be 1955 but the kid eats fruit roll ups, sgetti o’s and wears a barney t shirt? That’s stuff is really easy to cleanup though and a simple mistake to make. Also, in my opinion, the scatological stuff is kind of gross.
Jackie’s – stubborn 50 mile trail
I get the feeling that this is somewhat autobiographical. The premise of this story is that there is this girl whose bf is going on this long bike ride with his friend and she wants to be included. She doesn’t really think this decision through, but is too stubborn to back out on her commitment. Along the way she bitches and moans but gets through it but in the end it was worth it... but why was it worth it. What made it worth it? Why would she never do something like that again? My suggestion is to make the ending more momentous, even if it strays from real life. Make it realistic, definitely, but make something bigger happen. I mean she just has this huge accomplishment and all she gets is a kiss? I like that her boyfriend turns around snaps on her for her complaining in the last paragraph, that might be a good place to start. It just ends so abruptly and I feel unsatisfied.
Sam - playing dangerously
One thing before I begin on content: use spell check. I found the grammar and spelling issues really distracting, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one. Okay so yea, the story is about 2 kids who are really bored and go explore this old warehouse. They go in and do typical boy stuff like breaking windows and whatever, but don’t realize someone is there. They get caught by this crazy old man who apparently lives there and scares them out of the place. I feel like I saw this on an episode of “Are you Afraid of the Dark?” It’s a clever enough story idea, and I like the way you describe the old man especially, but the story doesn’t go anywhere. They get off scot free, and what have they learned? Just don’t go to that place anymore but every other creepy old warehouse is fair game? I don’t buy it. Describe the kids fear with the detail you apply to old man and the disintegrating building and you’d be onto something. Fear can be interesting. Fear can make people do things.
Also, stop cussing so much in your work goddammit
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