Carr's Review of Holden's poem 9/29

To: Holden
From: Carr

Re: “Midnight”

Holden,

There are some things working here in your poem, “Midnight.” This is a poem about a childhood fear: that if we fall asleep we might not ever wake up. This seems like a good subject/experience for a poem. Childhood fears and stories evoke memories in your audience and get approach some deep emotions and feelings. They are the stuff of the real human condition, so good choice.

OK. My favorite line of the poem is in the penultimate stanza: “No one is there. And there is no one around.” This simple line – and the repetition of “no one” – do a very nice job of showing the despair that can settle in late at night when we are afraid. I also like the way you close this with some dialogue. This is the first time that any dialogue has appeared, and it has the effect of taking us from the child’s head and into the present scene. It’s almost as if we can hear him talking in the dark room to himself. Good.

So think about a few things for revision. First, the language of the poem needs some work. This doesn’t sound like you: “the night you’ll try to keep.” That sounds like someone imitating a poet from the 19th century or something. Use your own voice. Authenticity is always more poetic than stilted language. And speaking of authenticity, the way to make connections with readers is paradoxically to tell a story about yourself. So I strongly suggest that you take this out of the second person and put it in first instead. If you can tell us a real story about one of your childhood experiences, then I think we’ll relate to it in a much stronger way.

All right. So keep working on this one. It has some potential. Good luck

CK