Carr's comments on Alana's poem 9/22

To: Alana Roach
From: Carr
Re: “Dark Spots”
Alana,
There are some things working very well here in your poem, “Dark Spots,” a poem about the continuous struggle with inner demons. This is a very good topic or theme to wrestle with in a poem. You are probing some of the dark reaches of the human experience – and one which most of us can relate to well. And to get there, you are employing some strategies that can be effective. First, you are trying to use some metaphors. You begin with the comparison to the “medieval torture devices,” and you keep that going to some extent with lines like “in a vice” and “day churns my mind.” In addition, you have some vivid images. My favorite is the eyes rolling back after you “dropped like a corpse on the pavement.” And finally, I think the things your mind says to you – about the bad relationships and stealing – are intriguing.
All right. So think about some things to work on in revision, and I think there are two main issues here. First, overall your poem would benefit from more concrete imagery. Remember that often the best way to approach an abstract idea is to show it in concrete images. Go back and read Jorie Graham – and read more of her work. In “Salmon,” she uses nothing but concrete images to show the distractions of the mind (the moth, her mother’s suicide, etc), and you might do the same here with things like the story of the bar, and maybe even the stealing and bad man.
Second, I suggest that you keep working on the frame of this poem. Right now it’s a little bit all over the place. You start with the medieval torture chamber, but then it doesn’t really control the poem. You jump in time from the terror of the night to the calm day and then back to night. I can follow it, but I don’t think it is at maximum efficiency. One thing you might try is to tell a story – again, look at Jorie Graham. Let something you do or see trigger the voices, maybe, and then show more scenes – real ones.
OK. There is definitely plenty of material to work with here, so I strongly encourage you to continue working on this one. Let me know if you have questions. Good luck.
CK